


Lula, Georgia

by Nudebeme, Ryu_No_Joou



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Fallout 4
Genre: Explicit Language, Gen, Ghosts, Haunted House, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Modern AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-15 15:50:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18672775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nudebeme/pseuds/Nudebeme, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryu_No_Joou/pseuds/Ryu_No_Joou
Summary: Gage inherits an old Southern manor and invites his boyfriend Chac down to see it with him. Unfortunately, their visit turns into a huge fiasco, and Chac's best friend Sirius is drawn into it as well.





	Lula, Georgia

**Author's Note:**

> Plain text = Nudebeme
> 
> _Italics_ = Ryu-No-Joou

“Well hey there, good lookin'. Ah, you got everything. That's good, real good.” Chac's boyfriend opened the door and was welcomed into his long arms in a crushing hug, a large backpack hidden under the mess of his dreads.

“Hey baby.” Chac squeezed him, being invited into Gage's little apartment. “I'm fucking stoked that you're taking me outta here. What's the big news you wanted to give me? Where we headed?” Chac had so many questions, his lover taking his backpack and setting it on the kitchen counter.

“Now hold on, gimme a sec. You just sit pretty, I'll show you. Yer gunna love this.” Gage did a proud strut out of the kitchen and vanished to his bedroom, the sound of papers shuffling before he returned, a thick packet of paper in hand.

“What's that?”

“Got this in the mail, take a seat.” Gage pulled up one of his cheap chairs and Chac sat tenderly on his lap. “My aunt on my mom's side kicked the bucket, and a suit down in Georgia sent me this sayin' I inherited some property down in my hometown.”

“What! Holy crap, is this your old house?” Chac leaned into Gage as he spoke, feeling giddy about a trip down south.

“Fuck if I know… Lula, Georgia? I ain't stepped foot in that backwater town since I was 12 years old, and I sure as hell don't know about no Gatewood Mansion.”

“A mansion, are you kidding me? Do you know what this means, PG?” Chac wanted to leap out of his lap if Gage hadn't been squeezing him- “Those old houses down there are worth millions, dude, you could be a millionaire!”

“Ah, shit! Don't drive it into my head! This is too much pressure, man!” Gage barked, already sweating at the idea of having a huge mansion slip through the cracks of time and land right on his convict ass.

“Uh, yeah I'm gunna drive it! I'm gunna drive it so damn hard into your head all the way down there, babe.” Chac cackled, twisting in his seat and hugging his boyfriend hard. They separated and Chac collected his backpack, unwilling to sit around any further. They had a hell of a drive ahead of them and most of it was going to be done in the deep of the night.

“You know I haven't been down to Georgia in years? Would be kinda nice to get down there n' see what's changed.” Gage cracked his back as he stood, having a travel bag already waiting at the door.

“I'm sure a ton. Hell, people might not even glare at you when you go in public anymore.” Chac waited at the door, Gage closing up his apartment and checking on his lizard one more time.

“Damn, and I'd just about gotten used to that. Naw, I'm sure we'll get loads of compliments from rich ol' pinkies down there. Aight. Goodnight Lulu-baby, We'll be home in a few days.”

“Goodbye, Lu.” Chac reached down and grabbed the guitar he kept at Gage's house and left.

With that, the couple flew down the stairs and to the basement where Gage's El Camino sat, looking pristine. They lugged the stuff in the backseat, Gage waiting until Chac was busy with checking his camera equipment to sneak his holstered pistol under his driver's seat. Eh, it was habit at this point.

“Alright! Let's get going!” Chac sang joyfully, bouncing into the passenger seat and getting cozy with his shoes off. Gage lurched his way in, kissing Chac's shoulder and giving the ignition a good start.

Well, yeah. It didn't start. The loud engine sputtered and tried its hardest to get going, but the cold of the basement made the battery feeble. Gage let out something way too deep of a growl to be human, a pissed look in his eye.

“Wait, you sure the Camino's good to take the drive?”

“Yeah! Yeah, she's fine. Just needs a little revvin' that's all.”

“You know, I got a credit card, we could just rent a c-”

“No boss, she does this all the time. Just another... there!” The Camino roared to life, and before it had a chance to die on him he backed out of the spot and up the ramp into the twilight of the night. It was fixing on being a beautiful set of spring days and as Chac searched the weather report, it looked like it was going to be downright hot down in Georgia.

“It's gunna be 70-somethin' down there.” Chac comments, nothing but the passing streetlights and bright neon signs illuminating them in the car.

“You have no idea how much I wanna get outta this place.” Porter groans, leaning hard onto his steering wheel to reach back and pull out his wedgie. “Hey, how ‘bout we celebrate with some music.” Gage fiddles with the dials of his old car and after several skips, the CD plays and he raises the volume.

“Ah, of course. We gotta get our country music on.” Chac snickers, enjoying the Sturgill Simpson Gage chose for them. Chac enjoyed everything about his life right now, feeling Gage's hand blindly crawl over his lap and rest right on his thigh, the crows’ feet around Gage's smiling eyes looking particularly charming tonight.

“You really think I'm gunna be rich cuz’a this?” Gage asked after a long time of silence.

“Unless the mansion is just a bunch of walls with a caved in roof, I'd say yeah. Even the property's gotta be worth more than a few thousand.”

“Man, I hope so. Shit, but I've been broke my whole damn life. Not sure if havin' spending money would feel comfortable. I dunno, doesn't seem like me to have it.”

“Pft, then spend it. Spend it on me, even.” Chac jokes, taking Gage's hand and kissing it. “-Would it be like you to be a sugar daddy?”

“Heh, you bet your ass it would be. I'm excited to find out.” Silence came back as they drove through the city tunnels and out into the open night of the highway, making their way West and South out of the blaring lights and industrial smells of the city.

Hours went by before Gage needed to gas up. Chac was resting comfortably in his seat with his acoustic guitar he'd brought in hand, plucking away song after song to serenade his lover as he drove. The rest stops on the sides of the highways bypassing Philadelphia were massive, hundreds of people were coming and going at these stops during all hours of the night. Chac and Gage looked no different than the many flooding the doors into the overwhelmingly bright food court. Gage was squinting and limping just enough for Chac to take notice.

“How's that little tush?” Chac asks, pinching it briefly before holding his hand, with Gage giving him a deathly glare.

“It's little. And sore as shit. Don't do that.” Gage chides him, pushing Chac briefly on the shoulder as they walked separately towards the bathroom. Chac snickered yet felt upset at times like that, Gage being such a stiff in public. Gage sat on the toilet feeling sour about it for long enough until the stink got to him. They both took their times in the public bathroom and regrouped in line to grab some coffee, the line to the Starbucks outpost a nauseating 13 people deep.

“Yo, I'll stand in line and get you something. Why don't you walk it off?” Chac shooed Gage away and couldn't help but watch him as the lanky man walked nonsensical loops around the rest stop, looking at all the candy and magazines as he stretched his legs. He thought about their age difference, their upbringing. You couldn't squeeze a public kiss or an embrace out of Gage no matter how hard you tried, and Chac assumed it was something he'd picked up being from the deep South...or from his many years in and out of prison.

Coffees in hand and soon back to their car, Gage gave Chac a strange sort of stare-down once their cups were safely in the holders.

“…How's your ass?” Chac asked again, but Gage only answered by lunging himself across the Camino and embracing Chac, giving him a kiss on his closed mouth before revving up his car. Chac melted to that, he had to know what the hell he was thinking- “What's that for?”

“What for? You know what for. Cuz I wou- …couldn't, before.”

“Ah, I see. Making up for lost time?” Chac smiles, seeing Gage's features looking hard as he pulled up to the pump.

“Yeah, among other things.” Gage mumbles, zipping up his sweater and popping up his hood before stepping out to gas up. Chac watched him all the while from the back window, reaching out his phone and texting Sirius.

“I'm in Pennsylvania, heading south to Georgia with my man. He's inherited a huge piece of land down there and we're going to check it out, see what's on it. Dude, we think it's a huge slavery-era mansion.”

Chac didn't waste any time before spamming a second text at Sirius before the man could even wake up to read it- “and dude, not going to jump the gun here but I think he's in love with me. He never said it but I think I can tell.” Chac had to get it out, and when he didn't receive anything for the entirety of the tank being filled he assumed Sirius was out like a light. Ah, living that newlywed life.

“I'm back. Shit, it's cold!” Gage huffs, fog on his breath as he turns the car on and they are soon back on the dark highway Southbound. Hours go by until Gage isn't even sure what's keeping him going anymore, Chac was already asleep with his cheek smushed against the glass. The thrum of his engine became hypnotic and his ass was beyond numb by the time they'd crossed the state lines into Virginia.

A huge yawn woke him up from his trance, Chac rolling over on his seat until he grumbled awake.

“Wh... shit, what time is it? You're still driving?” Chac mumbled, wiping up his drool on his sleeve. “Babe, you gotta pull in for the night!”

“Meh. Boss, I think I got a few more hours in me.” Gage sounded practically like a robot-

“No, come on, look the next exit has a motel. Why don't we crash for the night? We can stretch out, a nice big bed just you and I?”

“Mmmhm... yeah, sold.” They turned on the next exit and Chac burst out laughing, whipping his phone out just quick enough to grab a photo of the big green sign- “PIPER'S GAP: Home of FAT BABY'S PIZZA.”

“Oooh yeah, this is the good shit.” Chac snickers, sending the image to everyone he knew who would get a hoot out of it. Gage was running on autopilot while Chac snickered and googled images of fat babies to send to Piper. He didn't even notice that his boyfriend had pulled into a fast-food drive through and had ordered at least a combined amount of 30 chicken nuggets to split between them both.

“You... you alright to drive, babe?” Chac asked, the Camino hitting the curb as he drove up and two giant bags of just nuggets were heaved into Chac's lap.

“Huh? Yeah. Mhm.” Gage snatched one of the bags and went to town on them like popcorn, ignoring the packets of sauce as he drove away and towards a big sign “MOTEL” up in the distance.

“You...sure do love those nuggets, huh?”

“Mhm.”

“Wow, I bet you're asleep. You're sleeping, right? And driving?”

“Mhm.”

“Wow. That's insane.” Chac kept his hand up and ready to grab the wheel as they taxied 500 feet up the road and into a spot. Chac got out and went inside while Gage just sat there, tanking his nuggets until the bag was empty.

When Chac came back, he was asleep. His head was resting on the steering wheel and Chac could only sigh, opening the door and yanking him out to stand. “Come on, PG. Let's get you in bed. Got us a nice room, that sound good?”

“Awww yeah.” Porter seemed to wake up, they didn't even bother with the bags as Chac led them and slid the card into the door, a perfectly clean little room waiting for them.

“It's beautiful.” Gage just said, and that was the last thing he said before he kicked off all his clothes and flopped down on it, not moving an inch the entire time Chac undressed and used the bathroom. The younger man crawled into the bed and with effort managed to yank the blankets over Gage's lanky body.

“Ahhhh...” Chac hissed, not as tired as he thought he'd be. He looked over at Gage sleeping face-down into his pillow and could only smile. “Was kinda hoping this'd be a fuck-fest all the way down, but ya know, this is nice.” Chac said, mostly to himself. He pulled the bag of nuggets up to him on the bed and just ate them with the tv on mute, nothing but a stray snort coming from the man sleeping beside him until sleep took him too.

~

Gage woke to the feeling of something hard against his ass, moving insistently back and forth with a creak of the mattress. Before he could even wake up he realized Chac was fondling his dick and trying to wake him-

“Mmmm...wha..WHA?!” Gage jerked awake and was blinded immediately by the bright midday sun, Chac yelping and laying back on the bed with his erection making a tent out of the cheap sheet above them.

“Holy crap, what's up?”

“Were you humpin' me?” Gage asks, his own question answered when Chac thrust his hips a little and made a sly grin.

“Of course I was, what, did you think our first night in a hotel wasn't going to end up with the room torn up?” Chac licked his lips and Gage only looked at the clock and threw himself out of the bed.

“Jesus, it's noon! How the hell'd we sleep in so damn long?! We gotta be there by four!” Gage walked up to the curtains and closed them hurriedly, gathering his pile of clothing from last night and putting them on a chair to squeeze back into.

“Whoa, whoa, hold on... we aren't fucking?” Chac asked. He saw Gage look at the clock, his clothes, seeming undecided. Chac made his decision a little easier by throwing off the blanket and posing on the bed, grabbing his cock by the base and bouncing it just a teasing bit towards his older boyfriend.

“....” Gage glared at him, but he wasn't faking that reaction he got down south. Chac snickered and beckoned his man to come to the bed with him.

“Come on, make the guy wait. I'm sure we can spare five minutes.”

“Shit, alright.” Gage smirks. “Y'all better hustle though.” He threw himself onto the bed and made due with the time they had.

~

“Hey, Mr. Bradburton. We're going to be a little late, having some car trouble.” Chac charmed the man on the phone, the sound of a tired car battery trying its damnedest to get the El Camino awake. “Yes! Of course! We'll be there before 5, absolutely, and thank you again!”

When Chac hung up Gage's car came to life. “You sound like such a yuppie on the phone. Where'd you learn that bullshit?”

“Doing my own PR and booking my own shows. Had to prove to the venues I wasn't a complete burnt-out hippy.”

“Don't see why you gotta prove anything, yer smart as a whip.” Gage pulled out of the driveway and took off, leaving an absolutely destroyed bed and breakfast table behind. There was a ton of road still left to travel and they couldn't waste any time or else they'd have to wait out a night in Lula's miserable selection of motels.

Chac forgot about all the texts he'd sent last night, he was howling with laughter at the responses he had gotten back since 9 this morning. Piper had sent a series of fat Hispanic babies with the words “You IRL” in them, Preston sending images of “Preston's Wharf” signs, and Deacon of course had drawn a fantastic image of Piper with a 3ft-wide leg gap with babies falling out of her grossly detailed vagina and onto a pizza. He ended on a more intimate message to Sirius, one of which simply stating:

“Don't be the first to say it. You gotta hear it from him first mate. I'm guessing that's what daddies do.”

Chac had to think about that, peeking at Gage's blind spot while he drove. He wondered how Porter really feels for him, watching how the Southerner wiggled his butt back and forth trying to get comfortable after being fucked in half not an hour ago.

Four hours went by exactly as it had yesterday, Chac picking at his guitar in between brief stops at local gas stations and a pretty little Waffle House where the two made a display of themselves eating half the restaurant's supply of breakfast sausage in a span of 15 minutes. When they pulled into Lula's main street, Chac was instantly in love with it.

“Oh my god, this is perfect.” Chac dreamily sighed, all the windows rolled down to breathe in the smell of roasting pork in the air, the sound of church bells ringing in 5 PM. “This feels so idyllic. I can't imagine ever leaving.”

“Pft. Yeah, it's cousinsville. Twelve years of this bullshit and you'd want to take off, too.” They rolled past the church and the doors were wide open, the sound of a gospel choir singing soulfully from inside. Chac could hear Gage immediately start humming along despite him not even realizing it-

“You gotta miss that music, though. Come on, you know this song! Have pity on those/Whose chances are thinner, /‘Cause there's no hiding place /From the Kingdom's throne!”

“Holy shit, yeah, You're good. I ain't singin' that song though, kinda hits home.”

“Well, you are home, aren't you?”

“...” Gage didn't answer him, the lawyer's building only had a single car up front and the front light was off, the two of them sighing in defeat. “Think it's closed? Shit, we're only twenty minutes late.”

“Twenty's more like 2 hours in Southern time, pull up. Maybe that's his car.”

“Yeah, Bentley? That's the car of a suit n' tie if I ever seen one.” The two of them pull in and miraculously meet with the lawyer just as he had the keys out to close up shop.

“Mr. Gage, I presume?” He looked intimidated by the height and skin color of the man in front of him, Chac climbing out of the car and setting off the lawyer's irritation. “I was just about to head out for the night, come on inside. We have some paperwork for you to sign.”

“Let's get this over with, huh?” Gage ducks his head as he goes inside, being led into the back room to the private office decked out in cherrywood and brass. Gage takes a seat next to Chac and the morbidly obese man hobbles away into the back room-

“Just going to grab the files, we can sign it and have you on your way.”

Chac and Gage peeked at each other with the same idea in their head. Gage leaned over and whispered into Chac's ear-

“He sounds just like...”

“Yeah! Oh man, exactly like Hank Hill.”

“Yeup, thats what I was thinking. Oh, shut up, he's coming.” Both of them sat bolt upright when the man came back in and with a great heave, landed back in his wheeling chair and barely fit inside.

“I just have some documents I need to present to you before I can give you the keys.” The man wheeled himself around his office and the two watched in disgusted amazement as he gathered his paperwork and laid it on his desk for Porter to sign. It took several minutes of Gage reading the paperwork before the man procured a large manila folder, emptying the contents which included a ring of keys and a yellowed deed.

“Well congratulations, Mr. Gage. You're the proud new owner of the Gatewood Estate.”

“Shit, I dunno what to say.” Gage coughed. “Do I hug you or somethin’? ‘Cuz I don't got any money.”

“No!.. No, free of charge, by the state of Georgia.”

“So how do we get there?” Chac asks. “Would you mind driving us there?”

“NO!” He repeats himself, sweating. “I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've got to head home and take my… insulin, my blood pressure is… Look. There's only one road that leads to the estate, you just take that all the way down, can't miss it.” They watched in amazement as the man nearly killed himself trying to un-squeeze his girth from his chair.

“Thank ya so much, man. Means a lot to me.”

“By all means. Enjoy, gentlemen.” The two of them saw themselves out and both looked at each other in concern.

“Why do you think he couldn't bring us there? Eh, not a big deal right? He's probably late for his dinner.” The two of them hop inside the sputtering El Camino and peel away. As they do the lawyer signs the cross over his body and does a single Hail Mary. He called up his associate. “Yeah. The problem's solved.”

The road out to the mansion was absolutely beautiful. The trees that lined the road where decorated perfectly with Spanish moss, massive stone gates guarded pristine mansions that dotted the roadside in between idyllic farmlands. Chac was holding onto Gage's hand tightly in excitement, both of them wondering just how big and how old this mansion of his was going to be. The road kept going for miles, until the pavement made way for flattened dirt that the El Camino shuddered on. The trees looked ancient, looming overhead like a jungle and the sunlight that shone through them seemed an ethereal gold.

The last mansion they passed was the most beautiful of all, just like in the movies. It was only one number off from his estate- Gage surprised Chac by stopping the car and leaning in to kiss his boyfriend hard. It ended in a squeeze and Gage leaned his head on Chac's chest- “This is too much. I'm gettin' nervous.”

“We're almost there, babe. Keep going.”

The trees seemed to suffocate the land around them as they drove the last mile up the road, which was so narrow it was nearly impossible for Gage to traverse it without nicking the side of the car with brush. The giant stone gate ahead was completely overrun with ivy vines, the courtyard ahead was nonexistent behind thick wild brush. When they pulled up not even crickets were chirping.

Gage heaved a huge sigh. “I figured this would be the one. This looks scary as shit.” Something inside him seemed relieved behind the disappointment. They stepped out and the ground beneath them was soggy and drenched in water. The air around the mansion seemed tense, giant old windows were obscured by red-colored curtains from the inside. Chac was silent as he watched his lover's reaction, feeling sad. He decided to take out his camera from the car and try to cheer him up-

“Hey, at least if we find some ghosts we can catch ‘em on film.” That seemed to bring to comfort to his boyfriend as the man reached under his seat and pulled out his gun, holstering it to his side.

“Well there's a thought... This is it, look.” Gage wiped away some of the muck from the old mailbox and plucked out some water-damaged mail inside, most of it illegible but the name “Gage” could be read on it. They weaved through the brush to the front of the mansion, and with a snarl Porter realizes the door to the front is completely wide open thanks to the lawyer.

“ASSHOLE!” Gage screams, holding up the ring of keys seeing that it's useless, wildlife had already made their way inside by the looks of the tracks on the old wood. “Guess we won't be needing these, huh boss.” he snarled, pressing against the door until with a creak it gave way and opened to them a foyer which could only be described as incredibly eerie. They step inside, the paint was peeling from the stairwell and the high vaulted ceilings were tainted with mildew and cobwebs.

The smell of stale air and wood rot was choking and despite the heat of the afternoon it was deathly cold inside. Each of their footsteps seemed to rattle the entire foundation of the home, the two walking side by side with Chac's camera ready in his hands. He photographed the stairwell, the entryway, seeing the manor through the lens of a little black box. Gage holds onto his shoulder as they made their way into the main living room.

“I feel real fuckin' uncomfortable right now.” Gage whispers, the sound of his voice seemed to just drop to the floor. The entire room was decorated with aged paintings depicting Jesus and Mary, cobweb dusted statues of the Virgin on nearly every flat surface. Chac took pictures of their somber faces, Gage never once releasing his icy grip from his shoulder.

“Gah!” Gage yelped as they turned the corner, Chac stumbling back in surprise at the sight of a gigantic crucifix nearly 10 feet tall from the floor to the ceiling, a near-lifesized bronze Jesus hanging from it. “Oh my god, I can't even look at it.” Gage chokes, averting his eyes and seeing a baby grand piano with barely any keys remaining.

“It's fantastic.” Chac mutters, taking pictures of the immense crucifix. He was floored by the sight of the piano, being drawn helplessly to it and pressing the single ivory key still intact- the sound that resonated was a haunting off-tune A, the very sound bringing dust down from the ceiling.

“Don't!” Gage whispers, “Whatever's in here, ya woke it up, asshole.”

“I'm sorry babe.” Chac puts an arm around Gage's tiny waist, trying to comfort him. The man seemed incredibly tense, his tank top already drenched in sweat. Gage split from him and stepped away from the cross, looking at it as if it was banishing him from the room-

“I gotta get outta here. Just… Imma go upstairs, and see what's up there.”

“That's okay, I'll stay down here a bit more.”

“I...uh..yeah. Fine. This is fine.” Gage muttered to himself, too proud to ask for Chac's company. He left Chac to himself as he retreated to the stairwell, afraid to touch the handrail as he creaked each step up, his long legs moving 3 steps at a time to avoid making noise. His anxiety skyrocketed when he came to the top of the stairs, a long, narrow hallway greeting him that got darker as it went on. He crept down the hall and opened the first door.

Inside was nearly empty of furniture, a hook against the wall held a yellowed wedding dress that lay half-spilled across an old armchair at the center of the wall. The air that swept in from the room as he opened the door was ice cold and Gage shut the door as quick as he'd opened it. He didn't wanna admit he was ready to piss himself, but that's where his body was headed. The bathroom, that should be safe, right?

The door to the bathroom was wide open, and when Gage pressed on it, he realized it had been forced off half of the hinges. Every bit of the bathroom was slaked in mold, and the floor was soaking wet.

“Ho-ly shyiet.” Gage croaked, creeping forward to see an old porcelain tub filled with black water, the window beside it smashed. He could hear his heart beating inside his head as he approached it inch by inch, hesitantly tapping the side of his boot against the tub. The water resonated with a single ripple.

The water exploded forth with a deafening roar, the snout followed by the massive body of a monster lunging forth out of the water and towards Gage. The scream he let out could be heard from down the road, he flew back onto his ass and crawled backwards out of the bathroom, frantically ripping the door off the hinges as he muscled it up against the doorframe. 

“CHAC! CHAC! HOLY SHIT, HELP!” The gator could be heard slithering its way across the tile and Gage held onto the door for dear life as he felt its claws scratching at the wood, pressure against him as it tried to escape. The scream made Chac jump clean into the air, every hair standing on end as he raced up the stairs, Chac's camera falling from his shoulder and landing in the hall, taking a bright flash of light of Gage's back against the door, screaming with his gun out.

“WHAT! WHAT IS IT!” Chac held onto the door just by sheer instinct, but the other side of the door went utterly silent.

“Big motherfucker! Guh...huh..” Gage panted, ghost white and further shaken by the flash of light he'd seen.

“Big what?”

“GATOR, MAN!” Gage yelled, feeling the pressure against the other side of the door lighten up and completely vanish. “There's a....theres a fuckin gator in the bathtub!” He whispered harshly, Chac reaching out and grabbing Gage's gun and turning it away.

“I doubt there's a gator in there.” Chac whispered. “How could it come up the stairs?”

“You callin’ me a liar?” Gage snarled, peeling away from the door just far enough for Chac to lean in and peek inside. Chac moved the door just slightly enough to make a noise and the dinosaur inside let out a low rattle.

“Pftt!” Chac pulled away, closing the door back up. “There's a gator in there!”

“Yeah, no shit.” Gage cursed.

“You know we're gunna have to kill it.” Chac went to pick up his camera.

“NO. I ain't killin' it. Wh- why you think we gotta kill it?” Gage narrows his eyes at him.

“What, you think we can lure it out and down a flight of stairs?”

“Well, shit boss, it had to get up here somehow! Look we ain't killin' it. It's in my mansion, it's technically mine.” Gage spoke in a frantic hushed tone. Chac sighed in defeat and figured there was only one thing left to do.

“Look, why don't we barricade it in there, and call animal control. They always release them.”

“You sure? You better be goddamn sure. Fine.” Gage hesitantly pulled away from the door and remembered the chair in the other room. “Look, Imma barricade this door, we can call ‘em later. I don't wanna deal with no cops if there winds up bein' a dead body in here somewhere.”

Chac helped him carry two pieces of furniture before reaching into his pocket when he felt a buzz- he had to let Sirius know what was going on once he saw his text. He walked to the end of the dark hallway and peeked out the window, seeing a massive backyard complete with a full depiction of a concrete nativity scene overgrown with weeds.

“Yeah. Sirius. Holy shit, you aren't going to believe this. We're in the mansion now and it's completely trashed- there's a… there's a gator in the bath- WHOA!”

Sirius only listened on in shock as he could hear the sound of a very deep voice screaming profanities, the shattering of wood and massive inhuman growls coming from the other end of the line.

“GAGE, LEAVE IT!” Chac could be heard yelling, a massive sound of shattering wood following when the gator lashed its tail against the barricade.

“GIT'THA FUCK BACK IN THERE YA SUMBITCH- HOLY SHYEIIT!” Gage screamed, followed by Chac screaming and the sound of frantic footsteps, the cries of “RUN!”- The phone line went dead.

—

_Chac’s call couldn’t have come at a worse time. Sirius was currently entwined with Vorstag on the bed, buried deep inside him._

_“Oh, forget it,” Vorstag gasped in Sirius’ ear as Sirius’ iPhone began playing “Bruca Manigua”, the ringtone he had assigned to Chac. “He’ll call back.”_

_Sirius agreed and kissed Vorstag passionately, thrusting steadily into him. He could almost lose himself in the sex but the phone rang again. He swatted at it and continued to fuck his husband, who moaned louder and locked his legs around Sirius’ waist. He leaned up and growled in Sirius’ ear. “It’ll stop. You better fucking not.”_

_“Oh, babe,” was all Sirius could say, shuddering, close to orgasm. “You’re so fucking hot-”_

_“Bruca Manigua” again. Chac wouldn’t call three times in a row unless it was important. Vorstag sighed and let his legs fall open, releasing Sirius. “See what he wants,” he grumped, the mood spoiled. Likewise Sirius groaned in disappointment and snagged the phone, refusing to pull out._

_“Yeah, Chac?” he grumbled. “Look, it’s not a great time-”_

_“Yeah. Sirius. Holy shit, you aren't going to believe this. We're in the mansion now and it's completely trashed- there's a… there's a gator in the bath- WHOA!” Chac babbled, and Sirius was instantly alarmed._

_“Mate, you okay?”_

_“GAGE, LEAVE IT!” Chac yelled at someone on his end. Faintly Sirius could also hear a twangy Southern voice in the back._

_“GIT'THA FUCK BACK IN THERE YA SUMBITCH- HOLY SHYEIIT!” the voice, which Sirius assumed was Chac’s new flame Gage, shouted, followed by an ominous rattling noise. Vorstag was wide-eyed underneath Sirius. The line then went dead._

_“Chac? CHAC? Oh, fuck!” Sirius was up in a flash (not hearing the pop! as he pulled out of Vorstag or seeing the wince of pain that crossed his husband’s face). “Shit. This sounds bad.”_

_Sitting up, Vorstag pulled the covers over himself, watching Sirius throw clothes into a duffel bag. “Did he say a GATOR in the TUB?” he asked incredulously, sadly watching his husband pull on some jeans._

_“They’re in fucking trouble,” Sirius panicked. “Fuck, I hope I can get there in time-”_

_Vorstag was up and moving, bare-assed but not caring, shoving the things Sirius needed but would forget into his bag - toothbrush, medication, razor. “Go,” he said, worried for their dearest friend. He stuffed the phone charger in the bag and zipped it up, kissing his husband lovingly._

_“Babe, come with me-”_

_“I can’t, remember? Jury selection tomorrow? I’ll tell Andy what’s going on for you. Please, make sure they’re okay!” Vorstag kissed Sirius again, the interruption of their lovemaking forgotten. Chac was too important to both of them, they couldn’t ignore the situation._

_“I will. Love you, babe. I’ll call when I know what’s going on.” Sirius was gone in a flash, boots thumping on the stairs and wallet chain jingling as he raced outside and climbed behind the wheel of his beautifully restored 1969 Dodge Charger. The black car roared to life, its sexy engine rumbling in a way Vorstag loved but couldn’t concentrate on right now. He watched from the window as the Dodge pulled out into traffic, and hoped Sirius would get there in time._

_~_

_Mapquest said 15 hours and 13 minutes to get to Georgia, but Sirius wouldn’t take that long. He let the Dodge run in high gear, urging it on. The powerful car ate up the miles with ease. Sirius drove well and kept an eye peeled for state troopers. New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Pennsylvania all flashed by as Route 78 became Route 81. Endless heavy metal poured from his iPod and kept him awake, as the road unfurled before him. He had a few snacks Vorstag had tossed in the bag - granola bars, mostly, but they were better than nothing. He was too wired to think much about eating, though he smoked almost constantly. He tried several times to call Chac back, but was sent straight to voice mail every time._

_But try as he might, Sirius began to get tired. The road was almost hypnotic on long drives like this, the Dodge’s rumbling engine soothing. Around 1AM he pulled into a small motel across from a truck stop. He ignored the cluster of hookers who eyed him hungrily as he passed them to go to the office. He made sure they saw his wedding ring, not that a ring meant much to women like that. He got his room and collapsed onto the bed. He checked his phone, but there were no calls or texts from Chac. There was one from his beloved, though._

_“Remember to stop for the night. Be careful. I love you.”_

_Smiling, Sirius sent back a text. “Love you too, babe. Turning in right now. Goodnight.”_

_~_

_Sirius got up earlier than Gage and Chac had, taking a quick shower and tossing his stuff in the Dodge. He drove across the street to the truck stop to fill up the car, and then went inside for breakfast and a big coffee. The other travelers at the rest stop seemed wary of the tall, tattooed young man, and Sirius was left alone to eat his food in peace and shoot off a text to Vorstag - “In North Carolina now, hopefully get there tonight. Love you.”_

_One of the male prostitutes who frequented the truck stop approached, smiling seductively. “Hey handsome,” he started. Business must be slow if he was out there hustling at 8AM._

_Sirius glanced up at him through his long hair, and stuck his index and pinkie fingers up at the man. “Hail Satan,” he whispered hoarsely in his creepiest voice, and was pleased when the prostitute scurried away. Stretching, Sirius tucked a twenty under his plate and departed, loping out to the shining Dodge. He didn’t have any time to waste._

—

“Ya gotta call somebody. No. NO! YOU call someone, boss!” Gage shoved at Chac, both of them standing at the base of the stairwell, watching as dust fell from the ceiling as the lumbering beast ahead moved up and down the hall.

“Hold on. Oh no, my phone. My fuckin' phone's still up there, I remember dropping it on the way down here!” Chac panicked, shoving Gage back with the same amount of force. “Why can't you call anyone?! Holy crap, listen to that thing, it's a monster!”

“I can't cuz who the hell'm I gunna call, huh? Look, look at this shit.” Gage pulled out his old phone and showed a large X over his service bars- “I only got a New York burner phone, this shit don't work!”

“That's ridiculous, why would you get a phone like th-...you know what, nevermind. Hold on.” Chac decided to be brave and inched up the stairwell, seeing the large amount of furniture they'd used to barricade the top of the stairs with. He could see a massive tail circling his phone, which lay on the ground more than 15 feet from him.

“...” Chac glared at it, he could hear his phone going off, over and over. The sound of Metallica enraged the beast and he could see a massive swipe of its tail take out a good chunk of the wallpaper beside it. Chac felt his heart drop and he scurried down the stairs and back to his boyfriend's side, shaking his head feverishly.

“No. Nope, ain't getting that back.” Chac stammered. “And my buddy keeps calling me and setting the gator off. God dammit, Sirius, stop calling!”

“Well shit, you know I've just had it up to here with this place. Why don't we just get the hell outta here.” Gage shrugged, trying his damnedest not to look like a pussy in front of his man. “Maybe we can just drive out, n' call someone to come with us and get your phone back.”

“Gage, you sure about that? I mean, we got the entire rest of the mansion to look at before we leave. Like you said, what if there's a dead body?”

“A-yeah, no. I think I've had enough.” Gage spat, literally right on the floor. Chac took the time to remember that Gage had a fully loaded firearm on his side, crossing his arms in distaste.

“So, you were pretty sure of yourself driving across 5 states with that thing in your car, Mr. Convict.” Chac and his lover walked to the foyer where they looked out onto the darkening evening, thick clouds overhead bringing with it plenty of dank air. There were absolutely no lights, not even a moon or stars to bring any sort of guidance to them, and the nearest mansion was more than a mile away.

“What, don't tell me you ain't glad I brought it with me?” Gage teased, his reckless behavior making Chac angry. “Where there's one giant gator there's bound to be twenty more. Who knows what else is out there.”

“Or in here. Come on, let's just do a quick scan through the rest of the house and be on our way, okay?”

Gage thought about it and checked the clip on his gun, 6 shots… not a lot considering his handicap turned him into a terrible shot. He watched Chac as the younger man fiddled with the lights, and miraculously the chandelier brought bleak yellow light to the room and down the hall.

“How are you with a gun?” Gage asked, following Chac into the kitchen and dining area.

“Pretty good, why?” Chac stopped in his tracks and was amazed at the amount of filth, hoarded newspapers and cans covered the antique dining set.

“Kinda hard makin' every shot count when yer half blind.” Gage reached out and gingerly touched a set of candles before yet another shrine to Mary; the wax pillar crumbled at the slightest pressure.

“PG. Listen, we aren't shooting anything tonight. OR anyone.” Chac took out his camera and documented every corner of the place, the flash illuminating each harrowing detail for a fraction of a second. Chac felt his skin crawl as he jolted, the flash caught something moving quickly through the shadows.

“Yeah, but I am a good shot though.” he reiterated, Gage coming closer to him and feeling their anxiety spiking once again. The sound of Metallica stopped echoing through the halls after 10 minutes solid, and it was of some relief to the two. The lights in the kitchen gave just enough vision for them to see what a nightmare the decay had made it to be; the sink was filled with muck as well as every crevice and cabinet being loaded with what looked like living waste.

“How the hell did your aunt live like this?” Chac blurted out, his eye never leaving the confines of his camera sights.

“How the hell should I know? I ain't never met her before.” Gage complained, whispering. “Part of me thinks she never even lived here, this shit's probably been Bigfoot's house for the past twenty-sumthin' years.”

“Heh...Bigfoot's house.” Chac snickered, thinking of Farkas for some reason. His mind was grasping for any sort of comfort; until it was all taken away from him when they caught sight of an ominous door. It was thick, painted in the darkest red possible; there was a huge chain on the door that had been opened, an old lock long since thrown aside on the ground.

“…Don't tell me you're opening that.” Gage shoves Chac, seeing that glint in his eye.

“I'm opening it. Whatever was chained up in there is probably long gone.”

“Can we just let sleeping dogs lie and just not do it at all?” Gage shoved him again, a little harder this time. Chac only put his hand on the door and with a massive lurch, it came open.

“Hoooo-ly shit.” Both of them said in unison. A long descending staircase faded into a blackness far beyond normal dark. Chac reached out and fiddled with the light switch but there was absolutely nothing- it was almost as if light refused to go.

“If that don't make you not wanna go down there, nothin' will.” Gage stood in his spot while Chac was filled with purpose. The younger man went to gather a large wax candle and lit it with his lighter. Gage only sighed in distaste, seeing Chac take a big step down, testing the ability of the old stair.

“He's calling for me, PG.” Chac smirked, taking a few more steps down. Gage thought at that moment that his new lover is a fucking psychopath.

“...Who?”

“Satan.” Chac took his camera and his candle and fucked off to the bottom of the staircase, only the glimmer of his face visible until he turned and left. Gage felt his heart drop and he looked around, the sky darkening by the minute.

“Guess I'll just fuck myself, huh.” Gage crossed his arms, trying to think of anything to do that involved NOT going down there. Silence prevailed for moments, those moments turning into minutes. Absolutely nothing happened to the point where Porter was just dying for something to happen so that it'd be over.

Gage was looking out the window as the trees completely consumed the sun, and it was truly dark. He placed his hands on the countertop and heaved a big sigh…

“BOO!” a voice behind him screamed, Gage's long legs scrambled on the floor and he reached for his gun, bellowing in terror as he let a single bullet fly on accident into the ceiling. Chac fell back on the floor and cackled, Gage looking wildly at the red door and then around the room-

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” Gage screamed, his voice breaking. “I COULDA KILLED YOU!”

“Relax, babe! The cellar had a hatch to the backyard. I walked around and came in through the front door!”

“Oh my god, I ought to just shoot you. You shaved five fuckin' years off my life, you asshole!” Gage pulled himself up and shoved Chac for the third time, locking his gun and holstering it in complete hatred of Chac.

“Yeah, I probably shouldn't have done it, but come on, it was just too good an opportunity.” Chac crossed his arms, and once Gage found it in himself to forgive him, he had only one question to ask:

“What did you see down there?”

Chac didn't say anything, but his response was flat to the point of being creepy.

“What I needed to.”

“...and that would be?”

“We can talk about that later. Come on, there's just the backyard and then we can get outta here.”

“You do realize I'm losing a little bit of trust in you every minute we're in here, right?” Gage followed him, briefly tugging his wedgie to feel if he'd shit himself back there. He followed Chac to the backyard and was displeased with what he saw; there was just enough light coming from the house to illuminate the shitty concrete nativity scene; but upon closer inspection and the flash of a few snapshots they came to realize the heads of the statues had been removed.

“Yeah, I've had enough. Despite all else, I think that's what did it for me.” Gage states, and he meant it this time. They sure as hell weren't staying here tonight and the drive back to Lula was going to be pitch black.

“Alright, alright. We can head back, get animal control to get that behemoth outta here. Need my phone anyway…” Chac mumbled as he followed Gage blindly, his eyes locked on the gallery of photos he reviewed on his camera.

“These came out awesome. There's a weird kind of fogginess to some of these, though. Especially the ones of the...”

“Mhm.” Gage ignored him, pushing open the front doors that he assumed Chac had shut when he came back in to scare him. They wouldn't budge, and Porter was having trouble seeing anything with his damaged eyesight. “Say, why'dja have to lock the door?”

“Huh? Lock what?” Chac was busy with his camera, zooming in on some of the foggy photos- “Oh, what? I didn't lock the door.”

“Yeah, well it's locked.” Gage spat again.

“Just jiggle it a little harder.”

“I'll jiggle you if you don't put that camera down and help m-”

“HOLY SHIT!” Chac roared, his face stark with fear. “No no no no NO NO OK let's get out of here NOW!” Chac let his camera hang from his neck as he started bashing his shoulder into the front door, Gage helping him but to no avail.

“What! Stop that shit, you're freaking me out!” Gage yelled, Chac stopping only long enough to frantically pull up the picture in question and held it out for Porter to look at.

“Tell me, what do you see there?” Gage squinted and saw a shape in the fog standing directly in front of the massive crucifix in the next room. He zoomed in on it and there clear as day was the image of Porter's own face, only not him. It was someone else; long since dead.

“Yeah, OK. I'm freaking out.” Gage deadpanned. He reached for the old wooden coat rack and went to town on the window next to the front door and made a hole just wide enough for them to escape. Gage already had one foot through the window before Chac let out a horrific shriek in terror; pointing up towards the top of the staircase.

“A GHOST!” he screamed, Gage turning whiter than he'd ever been; he grabbed Chac's arm and tugged him through the window, his eye catching a sight of the white-clad tall figure at the staircase.

“GET TO THE CAR!” Gage screamed, practically dragging Chac at one point before they both tripped over branches on their way through the courtyard. All they could hear was the deafening sound of their own heartbeats and panting breaths. When they made it to the car Gage fumbled for his keys, looking frantically towards the manor as the lights flickered out one by one as if by supernatural force.

“OPEN IT!” Chac screamed, the old car's doors unlocking with the turn of the key. They both flew inside and slammed the doors, Gage ramming the engine with his key and turning it, but to no avail. The engine stammered over and over, his boot landing down on the gas in a vain effort to get it to move.

“Oh my god you piece of shit!” Gage yelled, until the turn of the key wouldn't even rouse the battery to sputter any longer. The Camino's headlights lit up just long enough for them to get the sight of a hovering figure at the hood of the car; it may as well have been Gage standing there, a bleak looking specter clad in a long white wedding gown. Both of them stared at the ghost-

“EURGH!” Chac yelled in disgust, Gage looking like he was fighting back the urge to vomit. “KILL IT, RUN IT OVER!”

“I CAN'T ASSHOLE!” Gage screamed, both of them clambering each other with their hands and hugging each other briefly before they realized there was no other place to run. They kicked open the doors to the Camino and scrambled out of the car, looking frantically for any sign of the ghost.

“Where do we go?!” Chac cried, the sounds of their terror echoing through the denseness of the Georgia forest. “Do we go back inside?!”

“Fuck no! Just… we gotta run back to town!”

“Are you kidding me, it's a seven mile walk through gator country! We'll never make it! It's CHASING US!” Chac screamed, grabbing Gage by the wrist and yanking him back towards the mansion.

“NO!” Gage fought him, both of their weights equaling out into a complete stalemate right on the lawn. A strange howling noise resonated into their heads from the woods and they both blanked out, silently agreeing to one another and making a beeline back towards the mansion.

The moments that followed were a complete blur, nothing but scrambling efforts to find any sort of safe place- Chac's mind ran a mile a minute and did the one thing his mother had always taught him from her experience-

“Salt. Salt!” Chac repeated, running towards the kitchen and now utterly terrified of the vague outline of the open red door. Gage slammed it shut and Chac destroyed the cabinets looking for salt, finding it in an old mildewy box.

“What are you doing?!” Gage shouted, but Chac was a step ahead of him. Together they raced towards the linen closet, slamming the door shut and wrenching on the single hanging bulb overhead. Chac threw Gage roughly onto the floor and frantically drew a circle on the ground in salt, his hands so shaky it could barely be considered a circle.

“What makes you think this'll work?!” Gage huddled up, Chac finishing his job and wrapping his arms around Gage tightly, for the first time in a long time Chac wishing for his fuckin' mommy.

“It's all we got. It's all we got.” Chac repeated himself, too afraid to open his eyes. Minutes go by and there is absolutely no action occurring around them, the gentle swaying of the hanging bulb producing small shadows against the walls enough to still frighten them.

Chac pulled away, and Gage wiped his chin, looking ill. There was a big mess all over the front of his shirt, and Chac had it on his arm-

“Wh..what is this?” he asked.

“I threw up.” Gage moaned, miserably.

“Is that what that smell is?”

“I hope to fuckin' Christ it is.” he winced, squirming back into Chac's embrace until they were both in each other's iron grips. Nothing happened for a nauseatingly long time, and the two were almost brave enough to escape the circle and go outside- at least, until Sirius had to butt in.

The sound of Metallica was heard exactly overhead from them, and it's as if the devil's music awoke an ancient anger inside the home. The lightbulb flickered, and the two of them watched in open-mouthed horror as the salt circling them began to move on its own, in the shape of 5 straight lines. Hand prints, trying to undo whatever power Chac tried to evoke.

They had nothing left in them but screams. They held each other tightly and squealed in terror deep into the night, with no hope of succor. 

—

_While Chac and Gage huddled together, Sirius was stuck behind a jackknifed tractor-trailer on Route 77, halfway through North Carolina. He’d tried many times to call Chac but never got an answer. He hoped to hell that there was just no service down there, not that Chac and Gage had been… fuck, what? Mobbed by hillbillies “Deliverance”-style? Eaten by cannibals? Inducted into some Baptist cult?_

_“Come on, motherfucker,” he snarled at the state trooper up ahead, who was slowly trying to divert traffic around the crashed semi. “This is motherfucking life or death….”_

_Two hours, three hours. When Sirius was finally able to edge around the accident he gunned the Dodge and took off like a shot, the harassed trooper yelling after him but not caring enough to do anything more. He joined Route 485 just outside of Charlotte and then jumped on 85, which would take him straight to Lula. His phone continued to pour out Metallica, Ozzy, Pantera, the heavier, the better. He knew from trips to Florida with Chac that the local radio would be nothing but Bible-thumping evangelists, who in Sirius’ mind were the scum of the earth._

_Despite his best efforts, he didn’t reach Lula until dusk. He pulled to a stop in a gas station and realized he had no clue where Gage’s house was. By now he’d figured it wouldn’t be possible to get Chac on the phone, and he didn’t know Gage’s number. Once the Dodge was refueled he went inside the country store attached to the station to ask for directions._

_Mephala’s tits, it was the kind of place he hated. Apparently it had been converted from a cabin at some point and it reeked of that “down-home charm” Vorstag’s grandmother was fond of. Fucking rag dolls and homemade jelly and birdhouses and shit. The proprietor was a toothless man in a tank top and a “Make America Great Again” hat, standing at an ancient cash register which sat in front of a gigantic Confederate flag. If Sirius wasn’t so worried about Chac he’d have left immediately and tried to find Gage’s house on his own. Instead he forced himself to smile._

_“Hi. Uh, I’m not from around here, could you help me find the, er, Gage residence?”_

_“The fuck you wanna go up there for?” the man asked in surprise. “Ain’t nothin but rats up there now since Miss Geraldine kicked the bucket.”_

_“My friend’s up there, he’s just inherited it. Asked me to come down and give him a hand,” Sirius lied easily, he and Gage had never even met face-to-face._

_“City boys,” the old man muttered. “Okay, you’re gonna want to take a right outta here…” he traced the route on a local map, glancing up at his visitor from time-to-time, hopefully searching his tattooed arms for some mark of the Klan and not finding one._

_“Thanks,” Sirius said after ten minutes, satisfied. He turned and headed to the door._

_“Be careful up there, city boy,” the old man called after him ominously. Sirius ignored him, swinging back into the Dodge and continuing on his way. It grew darker as he drove, and soon began to sprinkle. The rain grew harder as he inched along a narrow dirt road, Spanish moss brushing the Dodge’s roof. The houses out here were opulent old plantations, very beautiful but growing scarcer and further apart. A brief flicker of lightning and his headlights finally picked out an enormous white manor, a big tan car parked in its long driveway. Sirius swung in behind the car, a classic El Camino, he noted._

_Getting out of the car, Sirius looked around at the overgrown yard, and headed toward the house. He’d only taken a few steps when he heard Chac call his name._

_“Over here!” Chac was leaning out of the El Camino’s backseat, gesturing. Sirius crossed over to join him._

_Shee-yit, was this Sirius? Gage had never met his boyfriend’s best friend before, though he’d heard much about him. The lanky young man approaching was taller than both Gage and Chac, his heavy shitkicking boots jingling with every step. His arms were covered in tattoos and his long hair was the blackest Gage had ever seen. He looked a lot like several guys Gage’d met in prison - somehow, with a name like “Sirius”, Gage had expected him to be a shrimpy hipster vegan with hippie parents._

_Sirius swung into the Camino’s front seat. “Chac, I thought you were fucking dead!” he blurted. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”_

—

Sirius had more important things to pay attention to right now, between the frantic babbling from Chac and the oncoming lightning storm. He should have been paying better attention; but all he could think about was the god awful stench coming from inside the car. It was something between vomit, piss and two night's worth of unwashed men. He pulled up his shirt over his nose and listened on-

"-I'm not kidding man, all of it's true. The gator, the ghost, you think I'm KIDDING?!" 

"Wha…ok,” Sirius blanked out, looking at Chac's frantic, gaunt face. Gage was right beside him in the backseat, and it looked like someone had been messing with the wires of the Camino to get it running. "Tell me again, what ghost?"

"He ain't listenin'!" Gage yelled, both of them looking weak with hunger. "I done told you this was too crazy fer anyone to believe!" 

"No! No, ok, what? There's a ghost? In that mansion. Is that why you haven't been answering my calls?! I drove down here pushing 90 mph!" 

"LISTEN TO ME!" Chac roared, grabbing Sirius' shoulders tightly. "I wanted to call you! I wanted to, but my phone's up there, being guarded by the beast!" 

"The beast, the gator?" 

"YES the gator, haven't you been listening?!" Chac shook him again.

"I'm sorry, mate, it stinks to all hell in here! What is that?!" 

"I threw up. What'd you think it was." Gage stated, sternly. "You walk in there for 10 minutes, see if you don't hurl yer chunks!" 

"Don't talk him into it!" Chac roared, shoving Gage. They both began to shove each other back and forth back there, Sirius watching in complete confusion.

"Wait, come on. STOP! Shut UP!" Sirius silenced them both, the two men looking as deranged as they do starved. "We can't sit around in here, look, there's a storm coming and it isn't going to be a quick one. Let's just go in, get your phone, and leave before shit turns ugly."

"Take this. Take this salt, make sure you use it!" Chac reached out and with a shaky hand placed a mildewy box of salt in Sirius' hands. "Don't say I didn't warn you, because I did." 

"He's a dead man." Gage said, both of them staring at each other, a complete lack of introduction between the two. "Take this gun. Take it n' shoot the damn thing." An equally rattling hand placed a semi-loaded pistol in Sirius' possession. 

—

_Sirius stared at the other man. Mixed, one blind eye, a short mohawk, tattoos. Damn, but he was giving off Teldryn vibes. That must be why Chac went for him. But he didn’t have time to dwell on that as a gun and a moldy box of salt were thrust into his hands. “What - wait? Shoot a ghost? And what the fuck is the salt for?!”_

_“Don’t you remember what Ma says?! Salt purifies! You see a ghost, you throw salt at it!”_

_“Shit.” Sirius looked out at the rain, shaking his head. “Look, I’ll go get your phone and we’ll get out of here, okay? Maybe there’s a hotel in town we can stay at until the morning, and then we can get the Camino towed out of here.”_

_“What’d you come in?” Gage twisted himself in his seat. “Fuck, man, that a Charger? ’69, right?”_

_“Yeah. Restored it myself.”_

_“No sheee-yit.” Gage drawled. “You put a hemi in it or-”_

_“Can we discuss that later?!” Chac burst out._

_“Oh, right.” Sirius sighed and took his dubious ghost-fighting supplies, getting out of the car. He was immediately drenched, groaning unhappily. He ran for the wide front porch, his long legs closing the distance easily. Thunder rumbled overhead. Turning on the flashlight on his phone, Sirius tucked the salt under his arm and searched in vain for something to use as a bludgeoning weapon. The parlor didn’t disappoint, a broken chair nearby provided a leg. He gazed around at the room, lightning and his phone giving him enough light to see by. At one time the house had probably been an antebellum dream, the kind of luxurious palace Vorstag longed to own and fix up to perfection. But now it was moldy and musty, cobwebs draped over every surface. It stunk, too. Sighing, Sirius poked around the first floor._

_A gaping doorway led down to a basement. Sirius shook his head and shut the door. There was no way in holy hell he would go down there. Instead he tried dialing Chac’s phone, listening for it. The rain was too loud outside, and he sighed. “Fuck.”_

_He poked around some more, the mildewing smell making him slightly ill. He kept hearing creaks and groans that he couldn’t identify, either… was the house going to collapse on him?!_

_“Helloooo?” He was wary of the gator, which Chac and Gage had insisted was loose in the house._

_“Oooooooooooo?” he heard, and he jumped a little before realizing it was probably his echo. He laughed nervously and headed up the tall, winding staircase to the second floor. Upstairs was more rot and mildew, the rooms he stuck his head into mostly empty. He saw the old wedding dress on the hook, and in another room he saw a disturbed circle of salt. This made him frown - it didn’t look messed up from footprints, but more like someone had dragged their fingers through it. Possibly the guys had done it but…_

_A breeze made him jump. Looking around wildly, he couldn’t see any open windows a breeze could come through, and unnerved, he backed out of the room._

_“Where’d he drop that fuckin’ thing,” he muttered. The faster he found the phone, the faster they could leave. And the first thing he’d tell Gage would be to sell the house to some professional renovators. Whoever left it to him had really stuck him with some kind of-_

_BBRRRRUUUUUURRRRRR._

_“Oh, fuck.” Was that the wind rattling the windowpanes or the gator? What did gators sound like? Sirius had never been close enough to one to find out. He continued down the hall. He saw a jumble of furniture pushed against a door, and it looked recently moved._

_“So either Chac and Gage did that or there’s some “Poltergeist” shit going on in here,” he tried to joke to himself, but it didn’t seem so funny. He pressed his ear to the door and hit “redial” on his phone. He grinned as the familiar strains of “Master of Puppets” sounded inside, and reached for the knob._

_“GGGGHHHHHAAAAAAAARRRR!”_

_Now THAT was a gator. Sirius jumped back as the animal slammed against the door. In the crack under the entrance he could see reptilian claws and paws, and he pushed the bureau back against the door in a hurry._

_“Fuck. That.” he said firmly, stepping away. Chac’s phone was a goner, and he wasn’t tangling with an angry gator. They’d go back to town, stay the night, call animal control and a tow truck in the morning._

_“Oooooo….” That was not a gator and not an echo. And it was a lot closer than Sirius liked. He hurried back to the stairs, suddenly wanting to get out of there very quickly._

_“What the?” The stairs’ handrail was wet and he yanked his hand away, shining his phone on his palm only to see it was bright red. Blood?!_

_“Okay. I’m gone.” Sirius ran down the stairs, dropping the chair leg in his haste._

_“Abraaaaaam!”_

_Sirius shrieked. That was NOT his imagination. He wheeled around and saw to his ultimate horror that a white mist was forming at the top of the stairs. As he gaped at it, unable to move, it began to form into the shape of a woman dressed in the outrageously wide, beribboned hoop skirts of the past, ringlets cascading down her shoulders. A veil streamed out behind her and she clutched a bouquet of flowers. But her face - she looked EXACTLY like Gage._

_“General Abram, you’ve come back to me!” she wailed, holding her arms out to Sirius. “My love, why did you leave me?”_

_“Holy SHIT,” Sirius screeched, backing towards the door. He flung the entire box of salt at the ghost; his aim was terrible and it bounced off the wall six feet to her left. He fumbled with the gun. “FUCK OFF!”_

_He pulled the trigger, the bullets finding their target but passing through the ghost harmlessly and embedding themselves in the plaster wall behind her. Outside, Gage and Chac jumped, hearing the shots even through the storm._

_“ABRAM!” the ghost screamed. “COME BACK, MY ABRAM!” Her face was changing, flesh melting away to reveal a skull. The hideous bridal skeleton lurched down the steps, and Sirius found the strength to run. He stumbled down the steps and crossed the lawn in giant steps, looking back every few seconds in terror. Chac had leapt out of the Camino and Sirius pushed him toward the Dodge, never slowing._

_“Gotta go. Gotta leave here, NOW,” Sirius said, his eyes popping._

—

"Did you see it?!" Chac yelled as he climbed out of the backseat, "Did you see the fucking ghost?! I heard gunshots!"

"Shut the fuck up, both of you get in the car! We gotta leave NOW!" Sirius had done a ton of pushing but Chac fought back, going to help pull his very lanky boyfriend out of the Camino's backseat, conking him in the head just as he stepped out. 

"God dammit, god dammit." Sirius repeated himself manically, fumbling for his key fob and getting all the doors of his antique opened for them. He couldn't care less about the threat of mud or BO in his car, he shuffled them both inside. 

"I NEED TO KNOW, SIRIUS!" Chac roared, pulling Sirius' face into both of his hands and squashing his cheeks. "DID YOU SEE THE GHOST?!"

"I FOOKIN' DID YA DAFT CUNT! IT LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM!" Sirius gestured wildly at the man in the backseat, Gage's bichromic eyes bugging out of his head as he stared out towards the mansion. The lights were flickering in each room on their own, and it looked as though smoke was coming out through the chimney. 

"I KNOW!" Chac squealed, Sirius threw the gun into the footwell of his seat and revved the engine, having no choice but to attempt to drive backwards out of the narrow road. 

"Is that your goddamn mother?!" Sirius yelled, the Dodge was ROARING and the wheels were spinning, but the car went absolutely nowhere, but a few inches down.

"It looks just like him, oh my god. It's like a DISEASE!" Chac screamed, Gage looking at him in startled horror-

"....What?!" Porter cried, but soon they had the worst news of all: The Dodge was stuck, utterly trapped in fresh mud. The side windows were completely blacked out by fresh splashes of mud, making them trapped in a tiny box of horror. A rattle of thunder went by overhead so closely it set off the Camino's alarm just long enough for the battery to utterly die and go silent. 

"What do we do?!" Sirius reached out and grabbed Chac's collar, subconsciously raging at his best friend for putting him in this situation. The air inside the Dodge went bitterly cold and Sirius felt something tug at his hair from behind him.

"...AAABRAAAM?!" 

—

_Chac and Gage went twenty shades whiter; Sirius’ eyes bugged out._

_“ABRAAAAAAAM! MY LOVE!” Icy fingers gripped his hair and Sirius could not believe this was really happening; he was back at the truck stop in North Carolina, asleep in his room, dreaming, surely._

_Chac screeched and threw himself back violently. Gage was screaming incoherently. Sirius whirled around and there she was, reaching THROUGH the Dodge’s door. He flung it open, screaming ridiculously, “GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY CAR!”_

_“ABRAM!” the ghost screamed back. Sirius was drenched once more and his boots squelched in the mud._

_“BITCH YOU TOUCH MY CAR AND I’LL FUCK YOU UP!” he shrieked, the first thing his confused mind could present him with._

_“SIRIUS, NO!” Chac screamed from the car. “GET BACK HERE!”_

_“FUCKIN’ GHOST!” Sirius grabbed a fallen branch and waved it in the air, looking quite mad as lightning silhouetted him against the sky. His scalp still tingled where she had touched his hair, and back in New York Vorstag had snapped awake, somehow knowing someone had dared to touch the hair that only he was allowed to stroke._

_The ghost vanished and Sirius looked around wildly. Gage and Chac were hanging out the open car door, gaping at him. Suddenly that horrible chill crept up his spine, as if someone had run their finger up his back. Screams from the Dodge convinced Sirius it was real. He turned to see the Gage-faced ghost right beside him, and it was only a mere miracle he didn’t shit his pants._

_“Abraaaam,” she cooed lovingly, and her frozen lips caressed his cheek._

_“HK- HGURK!” That was enough for Sirius, and he dropped the branch and vomited. No mere stomach upset this; the bile must’ve flown ten feet in a spew that would have been quite impressive under less terrifying circumstances. At the same time an enormous crash of thunder deafened them all and lightning struck close enough to incinerate an old tree, which burned brightly despite the rain. Sirius, illuminated by the fire, staggered away and dove into the car, weeping. It was too much for him. He ignored Gage and Chac’s screaming, gunning the Dodge, shifting gears furiously to rock it out of the mud._

_“SWEET MOTHER OF SITHIS!” Gage bellowed, the headlights illuminating not only the bridal ghost but a whole ROW of spirits - all with Gage’s face. Whether his looks were that hereditary or this was just some scare tactic, no one knew; but finally the Dodge popped free of its ruts. Sirius couldn’t have been happier, reversing down the narrow road at fifty miles an hour. Tears coursed down his cheeks. Chac was groaning in the passenger seat._

_As soon as the Dodge’s wheels touched actual pavement Sirius reversed and swung it in a circle, tires screeching. He fishtailed a little before the car found its bearings, and he sped off towards Lula. All the way Gage was holding his stomach and moaning, rolling down the window for some fresh air. Chac was mumbling wildly and incoherently to himself and Sirius couldn’t stop sniveling._

_“P-Praise Azura,” he sobbed as the streetlights of Lula came into view. He pulled into a space in front of the General E. Lee Motel, not caring anymore about Confederates when there were ghosts to be dealt with. Chac and Gage seemed unwilling to lose sight of him and the three shuffled into the lobby only to be greeted by a bearded man in a MAGA hat - seemingly required attire in the area._

_“Hoo-wee!” The man whistled. “Aint’ all y’all a sorry sight! What happened to you up there, Miss Geraldine’s spirit take after you?”_

_“Car t-trouble,” Sirius said, shivering. The man could see the filthy Dodge out the front window and seeing the men soaked and shivering, he concluded that they were getting a chill from the storm._

_“Y’know there’s a whopper comin’ through.” he drawled, taking Sirius’ credit card. “Only room’s a double, that okay?”_

_“Yeah, fine,” Sirius sniffled, swiping at his nose. He pulled out his phone, hoping to call Vorstag, but he had no bars. “Aww, fuck. No service out here?!”_

_“Oh when them storms come through yer little ‘smart phones’ are useless,” the man said, glaring at Sirius’ iPhone. “Gotta use the pay phone.” He jerked his thumb over at the far wall, where a row of dingy pay phones still hung. Chac gaped at the relics._

_Sirius stared at them as well, then screeched. “WHOMST THE FUCK STILL USES PAY PHONES?!” he screamed, jamming his hands in his pockets for change. Chac cackled wildly and the owner stared at them in disbelief. Gage only groaned, rubbing his stomach._

_“Whomst?” the confused manager asked._

_“H-he’s married to a lawyer,” Chac giggled, as Sirius bent down to peer at the phone instructions, vaguely remembering them from the early 90’s. He shoved change in until he was able to place a collect call._

_“H-hello?” Vorstag’s groggy voice filled Sirius with relief._

_“Honey-”_

_“Will you accept a collect call from Lula, Georgia?” The operator said loudly._

_“What? Whomst still makes a collect call?” Vorstag mumbled. “Yes, fine.”_

_“Honey, I’m here,” Sirius said, shaking. “I found Chac and Gage, we’re at a motel. Babe… I…. I….”_

_“You what?” Vorstag asked anxiously._

_“I discovered there’s no God,” Sirius whispered hoarsely into the receiver._

_“What?!”_

_“Your time is up,” the operator interrupted. “If you would like to continue, please insert three dollars….”_

_“What? Wait, the fuck?” Sirius fumbled for change but came up empty. He could hear Vorstag asking the operator, “Wait, how much is a collect call? What?!” before the line went dead. Admitting defeat, Sirius rejoined the others and glumly took his receipt and card from the bearded manager._

_Gage groaned again, shifting uncomfortably. They got their key and ducked out in the rain. Their room turned out to be dim and decorated in olive-green, but anything was better than that horrible manor house. Gage bolted into the bathroom as Sirius and Chac changed into dry clothes. The storm was still raging, at least the Dodge’s exterior would be clean come morning._

_Sirius sat on one of the beds, and burst into tears._

—

Chac couldn't become more despaired at the sight of his savior friend crying out in misery, his knees rattling as he ducked his head between them to cry. Chac was covered in grime down to the tips of his dreads and huddled up next to his best friend, hugging him-

"No, no no..Don't cry, mate." Chac assured him, yet having not a drop of confidence in his voice. "We're outta there, oh my god, you saved our asses. You risked your life to save us."

"How can't I cry?" Sirius rattled, overwhelmed by emotions, listening to the sound of agonizing squirting coming from the bathroom, which had no fucking door. "Did you see what happened to me?"

"I saw, Sirius. Nobody's denying what happened to you." Chac rubbed his back. "It was scary, scariest thing ever."

"Did you see it though?!" Sirius insisted, grabbing Chac's clean shirt and shaking him. "-It was a goddamn monster! It was so fucking ugly!"

"Oh my god yes, it looked like a battered dog in a dress!" Chac comforted him, but panic was still clear in his voice.

"Gererrhgh...WHA?" There was a sound of a porcelain-striking splatter and a courtesy flush. Gage was still absolutely caked in mud when he peeked his head out and gave them both a sour expression. He had nothing to back it up with, the ghost was an absolutely revolting sight and he just narrowed his eyes before retreating back into the bathroom, getting a hot shower going. 

"It's far away from us now. We must have put at least 10 miles between us and that place." Chac tried to comfort, but a massive strike of lightning overhead made Chac's hyperactive imagination see a figure moving across the window curtain from the outside. Chac stumbled back off the bed and into the bathroom, watching Gage struggle to take off his skinny jeans, leaving muddy handprints on the sink. 

"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" Sirius hollered, his anxiety spiked and there was only one thing his body wanted to do now, and it was to void everything he had left in him. He wasn't thinking when he raced into the bathroom with the other two, the additional body sending Gage tumbling forward through the shower curtain and half-dressed under the hot water, Chac shoved aside as Sirius dropped his pants right over the bowl. 

"DON'T DO IT!" Chac screamed- 

"WHAT IN THE FUCK?!" Gage screamed, getting drenched, the mud washing off his sweater and swirling down the drain like a horror film.

—

_“I CAN’T HELP IT!” Sirius cried in agony, plopping down on the toilet. What followed was the loudest fart either Chac or Gage had ever heard, and loud plopping noises as the anxiety shits gripped Sirius’ bowels._

_“SHEEEE-YIIIIT!” Gage hollered, soaking wet and covering his nose as the most noxious smell he had ever encountered filled the bathroom. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”_

_“I’m SORRY,” Sirius wailed, clutching his stomach. Chac dove out into the room, wresting the room door open to let that horrible stench out. Gage hollered and followed him._

_“HOW DOES ANYONE MAKE THAT KINDA STINK?!” He grabbed a book of matches from the room’s ashtray, Chac clutching his wrist._

_“NO, YOU’LL BLOW US ALL UP!” he yelled._

_“I CAN HEAR YOU!” Sirius sobbed, unable to move as his guts forcefully ejected everything he’d eaten in the past two days._

_“Well it serves you fuckin’ right for talkin’ trash about my face!” Gage shouted back angrily. There was no way he could stay here, ducking outside to huddle under the covered sidewalk. Chac joined him, both shivering as they waited for Sirius’ ordeal to be over._

_“Vorstag!!!!” they heard him sob, invoking his husband’s name in his fear and pain. Nearly half an hour passed before Chac stuck his head back into the room. Sirius lurched out of the bathroom with his hair in a towel, wearing pj pants._

_“I’m sorry,” he whimpered. Chac felt sorry for him._

_“It’s okay,” he said, as Sirius crawled into one of the beds, trembling. Gage reentered the room, grumbling and heading to the bathroom for his own shower. Chac pitied both of them, but stuck by Sirius, who had gone through the terror of being molested by the ghost. He tucked his friend in and sat with him for awhile, as the water ran in the bathroom. “Poor baby.”_

_Sirius lay still and stared up at the ceiling, wide-eyed. “I want to go home.”_

_“In the morning,” Chac soothed him. “We’ll get the Camino towed and have animal control get the gator out, okay? You’ll be in Vorstag’s arms by tomorrow night.”_

—

"Don't make any promises that you can't keep." Sirius threatened Chac, laying hesitantly down onto the bed he chose, furthest from the window. He didn't know it but the room had such a potent smell; the cloth, the very air touched was tainted deeply with the combined stench of their terror. Chac only sighed and rubbed Sirius' shoulder as he could hear Gage cursing from the bathroom, strange slopping noises happening sporadically between the running water sound. 

"What is that noise, PG?" he calls out, after a particularly large PLOP noise. Gage doesn't answer him, leading the middle man to sneak into the bathroom. Gage was in there, picking up handfuls of mud and slapping it messily into the toilet, trying to clear the shower drain as it backed up full of grime. 

"God dammit, ah, god dammit." Gage grumbled, Chac hiding perfectly in his blind spot. 

"Hey, what's going on?"

"HO!" Gage yelped, stumbling back in the tub and almost falling clean out in terror. "How long'ya've been standin' there, boss?! I almost shit myself again!" 

"I mean, you might as well!" Chac shrugged in defense, backing out of the bathroom and seeing Gage try to use the pathetic little sliver of soap that was left of their complimentary bar. Chac backed away and let Sirius watch him as the dug into all of the drawers and cabinets looking for anything to eat; nothing. His stomach roared and Chac remembered- there was a vending machine in the motel check-in! 

"If I don't eat something I'm going to die." Chac states, he was still filthy and had a little more time before he could grab his turn in the shower. 

"Just where are you going?" Sirius asked, sitting up in his bed and hugging himself subconsciously. Chac nabbed a handful of cash from his old jeans pocket and shook it, going to the door.

"There's a vending machine out there, I'm going to clean it out if it means we get to eat something tonight." 

"Oh… be quick, okay?" Sirius said, that twinge of fear in him making Chac melt. He promised his best friend he'd be right back, steeling himself and heading into the storming night, his hair whipping about and dripping mud onto the concrete. 

Sirius sat alone for just enough time for anxiety to make his guts twist again. He fumbled for anything to do, and reached inside and grabbed hesitantly for the Bible that was always present in these kinds of places. He looked at it begrudgingly… the lights were dim enough to sleep like this, but Sirius sure as hell wasn't getting any comfort in it. Without warning, Gage emerged from the bathroom with a white towel around his waist and Sirius' eyes turned to meet him-

"AAEEUGHH!!" Sirius shrieked in horror, covering his face and being scared to the core of a return of the ghost.

"AGH!" Gage flinched just as hard, and was greeted by the feeling of a little Bible being flung towards him with amazing speed, it made a fantastic hook in the air and whipped Porter right in his balls. "YOU SUN'VA- FUCK! WHAT IS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT A BAHHBLE?" 

The screaming was apparently too much for their neighbors to bear; a loud smattering of banging on the wall behind Sirius sent them both ghost-white. 

"I'M SORRY!" Sirius screamed, first to Gage and then to the wall. "You're just so goddamn scary- I MEAN-"

"ALRIGHT I GET IT!" Gage shook his hands at Sirius, their spat ending as soon as it started. "Just let it outta yer system already!" 

"It's out!" Sirius' heart was pounding in his ears, and Gage realized Chac wasn't anywhere to be found. 

"Pfff..." Gage sighed, looking around "Where'd he go?"

"He said he was going to be right b-"

Speak of the devil, Chac returned. He had two armfuls full of a variety of pretzels, granola bars, gatorade and some weird southern snack cakes he'd never seen before. Gage's eyes filled with love and he only smiled, still clutching his balls and standing nearly-naked in front of Sirius' bed.

"There's my babydoll." Gage gushed, staring hungrily at the junk food.

"I'm back. What the hell's going on in here?" 

"He whipped me in the bird with a Bible. We're all good now, though." Gage and Sirius made brief eye contact and both nodded, Chac spilling the contents of his arms onto the empty bed. 

"I'd ask you why that happened but I can't bring myself to care right now. Look what daddy brought home." 

"Eugh." Sirius grumbled quietly, seeing something the musician had in his hands that was different from the rest. "What is that? That box?"

"It's salt."

"Where'd you get that?"

"I stole it, duh. The manager left the back door wide open." Chac did what he always did and just dropped trou, removing all of his clothes in front of them both before bouncing into the shower. Gage glared at him all the while, looking at Sirius and shrugging in confusion, visibly mouthing a silent "what the hell?" to Sirius. The shower was once again running and the Brit completely ignored the entire scene and went straight to the food packages, tearing them open and eating like a starved dog. 

—

_“Hey, save some for me!” Gage grabbed a handful of snacks and a drink, sitting on the other bed next to the stash and beginning to eat. Sirius forced himself to slow down, looking ashamed. He found a roll of Tums in the pile of snacks and popped a few. That combined with some food soothed his stomach, but he really wished he was at home. Why did he have to answer that dumb phone call? Why didn’t he just keep fucking his husband and ignore it?!_

_Because Chac was too dear to him, that was why. Sirius finished his “supper” and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, which was decorated with the swirled plaster that was popular back in the 50’s and 60’s for some reason. The storm continued outside, it would have been soothing if Sirius could shake the chill the ghost had left with him. He’d cranked the shower up as hot as it could go (which wasn’t very hot), but it hadn’t taken the chill away. He wished Vorstag was with him, or at least that his phone worked; it’d be a comfort to hear his beloved’s voice._

_“Y’all really married to a lawyer?” Gage asked through a mouthful of astronaut pizza, as if he’d read Sirius’ mind. Sirius nodded._

_“Yeah. His name’s Vorstag.”_

_“How the fuck you meet him? Chac said you do tattoos? He come in for one?”_

_“No. He said lawyers shouldn’t have any.” That brought a small smile to Sirius’ face. “We met in the ER.”_

_“What, really?” Gage let out a hearty laugh. “You’re shittin’ me.”_

_“No, it’s true. I’d gotten in an accident and had road rash-” Sirius stuck his left leg out from under the blankets, rolling up his pants leg so Gage could see the scar that zig-zagged from ankle to knee._

_“Holy shee-yit.” Gage whistled, leaning over to look at it. “That must’ve been a bitch.”_

_“95% my fault,” Sirius admitted. “Going too fast and not paying attention, I turned to avoid hitting a car but hit the curb instead.”_

_“Wow. And yer husband?”_

_“Oh he….” Sirius hated thinking of Vorstag’s past, of the cruel man who had beaten him. “Broken ribs.”_

_Gage didn’t ask; glancing up as Chac emerged from the bathroom in a long dashiki-type shirt that he apparently planned on using as a nightgown. “Still, a story to tell the kids someday, huh?”_

_Chac laughed out loud. “Sirius with a kid? I sure hope not.” He rumpled his friend’s hair. “You okay?” he asked in a softer tone._

_“Yeah…. better.” Chac’s presence went a long way towards comforting Sirius. “Thanks for the food.”_

_“What’s mine is yours,” Chac said gracefully, taking his own share of snacks. “Why don’t you try to sleep?”_

_“Oh yeah, right,” Sirius groaned. He was exhausted, but the idea of falling asleep and being visited by the ghost in his dreams was too much. He reached for his phone, which he could play games on while he tried to forget what had happened to him. Chac, meanwhile, stuffed a snack cake in his mouth and proceeded to take the box of salt to the door, where he poured a line of it along the floor. Likewise, he poured salt on the windowsill._

_"What's that fer?" Gage asked._

_"Keep the ghosts out," Chac said simply through his mouthful of cake._

—

The amount of food between the three grown men wasn't enough to satisfy any of them, and while Chac was busy salting all possible entry routes around the already-tainted hotel room, Sirius' stomach let out a massive roar. 

"Whoa." Gage said behind his arm, nearly choking on how dry the pretzels were. "Tha’ fuck was that?"

"Sirius' bottomless gastrointestinal system." Chac said as he kept busy. "-You won't believe the shit this guy produces." 

"Uh, Boss, I just lived it. I ain't havin’ any trouble believin’ it." It was now Sirius' turn to be embarrassed, the Brit looking at them both incredulously as they spoke freely of his awful habits. 

"I don't think you truly understand, I lived with this fucker for YEARS and he never failed to surprise me."

"Chac!" Sirius also was choking-

"WAIT." Gage slapped his hands down on the bed, pointing Sirius down- "This is the guy who made that dump?! The one I saw on ya fuckin' phone our first da-eh, at the bar?!"

"That's him alright." 

"God almighty." Gage shook his head and looked at Sirius like some kind of all-star. "I was laughin' so hard at that thing I was fitting to pass out. I'd shake your hand for it, well played, boss." 

Sirius was red as a beet, frowning miserably at both of them and how they could be laughing at a time like this. Chac had finished his business and was now grabbing handfuls of salt and mouthing a small Spanish phrase over and over, "Mal fuera, satan adentro. Mal fuera, satan adentro." He threw the salt on the floor around the beds, breaking in between to comment on how he wasn't doing it right-

"I figured this'd help, I'm not dressed the right way and I don't have a fresh sacrifice, but it might be enough."

"I knew it, I knew it. There's no way you're OK with this. You're freaking out, aren't you?!" Sirius accused him, panic rising again as he was hoping his beloved best friend would have been a rock for him to cling to. 

"I'm fine, shut up." Chac did that glare that Sirius had long since forgotten, he hasn't seen it since he was a teen living in Chac's house and he'd done something bad. "You go to bed and you'll be fine. We'll go to a diner in the morning and call Vorstag there and get everything settled." 

"But-"

Chac marched to the front of the motel room and went to grab for his muddy boot, he didn't even need to touch it before Sirius yelped an apology.

"NO! OK, I'll sleep, mate. I know you've got this under control. You're just like Ma." he whispered.

"What the fuck." Gage interjected-

"La Chancla." Sirius told him, a wary look in his eyes. "Don't make him use it."

"No shit it's La Chancla, you think I haven't gotten it before?" Gage piped up, "I just thought it was something he did to me, only." 

"This is the only thing you have to worry about." Chac warned them, fending off his own paranoia of ghosts by lifting up his boot and keeping it at the bedside, going to lay down in it for the first time tonight. "I'm keeping this here in case either of you act up." 

Both of Chac's flames glanced at each other and then did a silent agreement, Chac busying himself getting under the covers. Gage did so as well, the foot of the bed still littered with wrappers. Chac took his share and ate silently, turning on the tv only to see it was just white noise, the entire room rattling with a thunderous wave. 

"Turn it off." Gage leaned in and whispered, not wanting to see anything in the tv snow. 

"Shut it." Chac demanded, watching the snow with apparently no issue and shoveling pretzel sticks down his throat. Gage hesitantly placed his hand in Chac's bare lap, rubbing his skin in an attempt to win his favor over. 

"I'm sorry.” Gage whispered, knowing this is all his fault in the end. 

"Eh?"

"I said I'm sorry, to both of you. We wouldn't be down here if it wasn't for me." 

"Ah be quiet, this is totally not your fault. I'm the one who moved the urn." 

"....What?" 

"Oh. There was a huge urn in a back room I opened up, the door was locked but it crumbled. It was full of old crap like antique swords and locks of blonde hair. Might have even seen a shrunken head, not sure." 

The both of them just glared.

—

_“Chac,” Sirius said slowly, “You mean to tell me…. after everything Mum taught you…. after all that…. you found an urn full of relics and OPENED IT?!”_

_“Hey, I didn’t know what was in it until I opened it, it might’ve been a sewing kit or something,” Chac said._

_“WHO KEEPS THEIR SEWING KIT IN AN URN?” Gage hollered. More pounding on the wall followed this._

_“You deserve la chancla,” Sirius hissed. “Disturbing the dead’s possessions always winds up in something going wrong! Mum told us, the movies told us, Dad told us, FUCK, even my fuckin’ parents knew it! You think just ‘cos my dad was a fuckin’ asshole that he didn’t know a few things about the dead and spirits?!”_

_“Sirius is half-Cherokee,” Chac explained to Gage. “Look, I’m sorry!”_

_“He scared the shit out of me!” Gage informed Sirius. “Went down in the basement and fuckin’ came out through the bulkhead. He’s crazy!”_

_“If I wasn’t so tired I’d stomp you,” Sirius informed his best friend, who had the good grace to look sheepish. “All my life…. all the rest of my life I gotta remember being kissed by that.. that… THING,” he wailed._

_“Who the fuck was she, Gage?” Chac asked._

_“Damned if’n I know! I’m not too clear on my ancestors, seems at some point a white woman ran off with a black man and from then on the two branches of family didn’t talk to each other.” He looked at Sirius. “An’ who did she think you was? Abram?”_

_Sirius shuddered. “General Abram, whoever that is. If my internet worked on my phone I’d try looking him up, see if he has a Wikipedia.” But did he really want to know?_

_Gage resisted the urge to whack Chac, listening to Sirius’ stomach growl as he flopped back on the pillows. “We turnin’ off the lights?”_

_“NO,” Sirius said quickly, and Chac shook his head._

_“Maybe it’d be better to leave them on,” he said anxiously. He looked over at Sirius, who was shivering even under the covers. Something he’d seen in the lobby popped into his head. “Be back in a sec.”_

_“Huh? Where yeh going?” Gage blurted, as Chac pulled on pants and ran back outside. “Oh, he’s crazy.”_

_But Chac wasn’t gone long, returning with something he thrust into Sirius’ hands. “Here. For you.” It was a big teddy bear, wearing a Confederate t-shirt which Chac pulled off and threw in the trash. “Something to hug.”_

_“I thought you said he was twenty-seven?!” Gage asked, but Chac hushed him. Sirius clutched the fuzzy bear. It did feel good to have something to hug._

_“Thank you,” he said to Chac. “It’s stupid but….. I feel a little better.” The bear’s stitched smile and glass eyes were somehow kind. He turned away from the fuzzy TV and hugged the bear to his chest. Like Gage, he was unwilling to see what might appear in the snow._

—

"Chac always knows what you need." Chac stated, climbing back into bed after kicking off his pants. Gage peered over at Sirius all the while and watched the kid begrudgingly curl up on his bed and hug the stuffed animal, then glancing over at his boyfriend in confusion.

"You know it." Sirius mumbled, angry at Chac for what he's done but knowing this could all be over soon; he just had to keep thinking that in his head. 

Silence fell over them apart from the driving rains and the constant static emitting from the TV. Chac had piled extra pillows behind him and laid back half-sitting, simply watching the static much to Porter's distaste. A long silence spanned over them all with Sirius' eyes refusing to close, staring at the far wall while the other two sat awake, reliving the events of the night. 

"Wouldya kindly turn that damn thing awff?" Gage slurred, rubbing his eyes and konking his head against the bedframe, groaning hard. He was already over the hill and the past few days must have aged him another 5 years, his entire body hurting. Chac stared blankly at the TV for a while longer and Gage laid up on his elbow to glare at him, but seeing the static in the reflection of Chac's dark eyes. "You listenin’, boss?" 

"... Fine." Chac broke his trance and turned off the TV with the remote, the room getting much darker from it. Chac adjusted the box of salt at the bedside and turned to look at Gage, who was not given the same treatment as Sirius. They kind of stared at each other for a while, that permanent pout on Gage's face deepening as he was expecting something from his lover. 

"Well?" he whispered, Chac could feel his boyfriend tremble under the covers. 

"Huh? What's up." 

Gage gestured towards Sirius with his arms wrapped around the bear. "You took care of him, what do I get?" Porter asked impatiently. Chac understood after a moment and rolled over on his side, pulling his lanky mate into his arms, Gage's nappy hair tickling the bottom of his chin as he rested him on his chest. Gage hugged the man crushingly hard, harder than he'd like to admit, but it was the most comfort he could have squeezed out of this horrible situation. Chac pulled his arm around him and kept him close, too wired to think of sleeping. 

It must have been an hour before all of them couldn't fight off their exhaustion any longer, the storm blocking out any and all hints of the morning sunshine that normally graced Lula's farmlands. By the time the morning came around there was nothing that would have hinted to it if you looked outside; the entire town was trashed with fallen branches and busted windows.

—

_Weak sunlight began to filter through the curtains around 11AM. Sirius opened his eyes slowly and blinked, getting a grip on his bearings, his teddy still clutched to his chest. The other bed was empty. His phone chirped happily at him and he picked it up to see twenty missed texts from Vorstag. The wi-fi was back, though the actual phone service was not, but it was enough to text Vorstag back and tell him at least part of the story, how a huge thunderstorm had knocked out all tv and cell phones. His husband was relieved and sympathized with him, before asking, “What did you mean, you found out there’s no God?”_

_“Babe, that I’ll have to explain when I get home. You won’t believe me otherwise.” Sirius shuddered as he typed. “But we gotta get the gator out of the house, get the Camino towed and repaired, and try to figure out what to do with the house.”_

_The shower was running and Sirius sat up finally. The salt had, at least, kept the ghosts out, and Sirius drew back the curtains to reveal a parking lot full of leaves, branches, and trash that had been blown around in the night. The Dodge was littered with twigs and still had blobs of mud in places. He wept internally for his beautiful car, it would need a thorough inside-and-out cleaning and a good wax when he got it home._

_Yawning, he opened his bag and changed into clean clothes, before combing his hair and taking his meds. He really wanted to brush his teeth, but a moan from the doorless bathroom changed his mind. He sat down on the bed and tried the tv. The local stations were back, a blonde reporter droning on about the storm, but it was still better than nothing. Sulking, Sirius hugged his teddy bear and watched the reporter for awhile before she was replaced by dancing sausages in a commercial. Then he pulled an ancient phone book out of the desk drawer, looking up the number for a local tow company and writing their number down. He really didn’t like the idea of going back up to the house, but he couldn’t let Chac and Gage do this all alone, either. He was a part of it now, like it or not._

_The moans coming from the bathroom were louder. Sirius’ stomach growled and he grabbed his phone, texting Chac._

_“Are u guys having sex in the bathroom? I want Rice Krispies.”_

—

Chac would never get that text. Sirius didn't hear a single telephone sound or buzz all the while waiting for the two to get done with whatever bullshit they were up to. 

"Hurry up you bastards." Sirius muttered to himself, the rhythmic slapping of someone's body against the wall making him miss his husband. It's been his first night away from Vorstag in forever...

"UGHHHHHH-MMM MMM!" The sound shook the wall, it wasn't Chac’s voice but it was Chac’s hand wrapped around Gage's mouth to silence him. There was the sound of a struggle, a fist pounding against the wall before the zip of some jeans.

"You really know how to brighten my day." Chac admired his lover, going to sit on the toilet for a second. Sirius watched with blank eyes as Gage waddled his way out of the bathroom while buttoning up his tight jeans. He made his way straight to the bed and flopped down on it face down. 

"Hahahaha." Sirius had to laugh at how Gage refused to move, merely making a grunting sound while his strength recovered. 

"Hrgh?"

"Nothing." Sirius saw Chac also walk out looking significantly cheerier than he did last night, going to rub Porter’s back until the older man rolled over. 

"Hungry. " Is all the Georgian said.

"Yeah you didn't get my tex... ah, bugger." Sirius just remembered the phone situation, getting himself out of bed and putting on his pants, kicking mud off his boots right on the carpet. 

"Phone’s in the belly of the beast by now." Chac leaned down and rolled up Gage’s shirt, kissing his bare stomach much to the older man's surprise.

"GEH!" 

"Come on, get up. Let's find that diner we passed before. Pretty sure we're walking, seeing as the Dodge is… phew." Chac opened the door and invited the light in, looking at the sorry state of the old fuck Dodge. 

The men were wrangled out of the room and into the outdoors. The rural beauty of Lula was long gone and the roads seemed closed up, they could already see down the road that people were in the streets cleaning up brush and a random cow being corralled back to someone's truck.

"Come on babe, keep up." Chac joked as he winked over to Sirius, Gage grumbling and walking on wobbling legs as he sprung forward to keep up. 

"Ya got some nerve." he complained as the three wandered like zombies towards the sight of the big “PIGGIE’S DINER” sign up the hill. They were halfway there before Chac gasps, looking back from where they came-

"Shit!"

"What's up?" Sirius jumped, still paranoid.

"I forgot to wipe down the load from the bathroom wall!"

Sirius snorted, watching Gage lean heavily onto Chac’s shoulder and whisper something mean into his ear. 

"Yeah I get it. I still don't see why that's always MY job!" Chac cried out.

"Ah forget it. Look, there it is. Ah shyeit I can smell it now…” All of them dragged their sorry asses up towards the busy diner, and predictably the second they walked in every single eye was on them. Chac kind of enjoyed it but the other two…

—

_The diner was the apotheosis of all Southern diners, smelling of food friend in lard and chock-full of people who had just come from cleaning the streets or going to church. Confederate memorabilia and pictures of Jesus hung on every wall (didn’t they see the irony???? Sirius wondered), as well as pictures of various town celebrities like the mayor, the preacher, and the man who grew the biggest yam. Wide windows looked out over the town, which might’ve been charming if the storm hadn’t wreaked so much havoc. Sirius could make out his Dodge, a tiny black speck, and felt sorry for it again. It was his baby, it shouldn’t have been subjected to this trip._

_The three men plopped down in an empty booth, Sirius glaring at an old lady who seemed to have taken personal offense at his hair and tattoos. Chac and Gage sat across from him, and they were approached by a tired-looking waitress with hair straggling out of her bun._

_“Mornin’. Get y’all some coffee?” she asked wearily, placing menus in front of them. They all agreed, and as she shuffled away they pored over the selection._

_Sirius missed Vorstag, who would’ve comforted him with a full English breakfast to cheer him up. “I found a number for a tow company. Animal control, too.”_

_“We’ll call ‘em after we eat.” Chac sighed. The waitress returned and they ordered. Sirius glumly poked at his phone, wishing Vorstag would text him again, but knowing his beloved was in court at the moment. Chac saw how gloomy he looked and tried to cheer him up._

_“It won’t be so bad in the daylight,” he reassured the two men, also trying to convince himself. The coffee was strong and woke them up a little, and when the waitress returned with their breakfasts they could have cried. Gage actually got up and hugged the poor woman, he was so happy._

_“Look at this!” he said, sitting down abruptly as he saw the sheriff sitting at the counter put a hand on his gun. “Now this is some down-home comfort food!” Potatoes, grits, biscuits and gravy, sausages, bacon, and pancakes crowded each plate. Even Sirius and Chac eyed the food with hunger as it was set before them. There was probably enough lard in there to kill them, but who cared? Nearly three days of nothing to eat but granola bars and pretzels left them eager to gorge._

_Their table was silent for a long while except for the sound of chewing, cutlery clinking, and the occasional “can I have another napkin”. Gage nearly wept, it had been a long time since he’d had a big Southern breakfast like he remembered from his childhood. “Just like Gee-Maw used to make,” he sighed at long last, watching Sirius put away another helping of fried potatoes. “He can eat, can’t he?” he commented to Chac._

_“I told you he’s bottomless.” Chac had finished as well and sipped the last of his coffee. Together they pooled the money to pay the bill, and Chac took some change over to the pay phones (why were these things everywhere?????). He got the tow company to meet them at the manor, and the animal control officer as well. Satisfied, they departed the diner (all of them relieved to be away from the sheriff, who had been glaring at them and fondling his gun most of the time). They got back to the hotel and tossed their belongings into the Dodge’s trunk._

_“I… don’t want to go back there.” Sirius sighed._

_“None of us do,” Gage mumbled._

_“Well, we’ve got to,” Chac tried bravely. “Come on, no sense putting it off.”_

_So with heavy hearts they got back in the Dodge, driving slowly through the littered streets, dread growing in them as they got closer and closer to the house. The welcoming sight of flashing lights greeted them when they pulled up, the tow truck driver standing in the driveway shaking his head._

_“Hoo-wee, that one took a blast,” he commented as they walked up to him, pointing at the tree which had been hit by lightning. It was completely black, all its leaves gone. The earth around it was scorched._

_“Heh, yeah, it did,” Chac said, as Gage and Sirius paled at the memory of the burning tree and what its light had revealed._

_“So this the one that’s going?” The driver patted the Camino and Gage went with him to discuss getting a new battery for it. Sirius and Chac stood on the front walk and stared up at the house, which was only slightly less menacing in the daylight._

_“I dunno,” Sirius said gloomily. “I’d hire a wrecking ball to tear it all down.”_

_“Me too,” Chac agreed. “Ain’t worth saving at this point….” But then they both remembered Aqan telling them firmly that demolition or remodeling could stir up spirits in bad ways, and they shuddered._

_“I wish Mum was here,” Sirius whispered._

_“Me too,” Chac whispered back. A rattling engine reached their ears and they turned to see a van, its side emblazoned with “ANIMAL CONTROL”, pull up. The man that stumbled out was skinny, wearing a brown uniform and huge mirrored sunglasses, a cheesy mustache upon his lip. He was chewing tobacco._

_“YOU THE ONES WITH THE GATOR PROBLEM?!” he shouted over the noise of the tow truck’s winch pulling the El Camino onto its bed._

—

"Ah....yeah?!" Sirius piped up, apparently angered by the fact that there wasn't another house around here for miles and he'd driven all the way out here for it. The sound of the control vehicle was unbearably loud, it was slaked in mud and had indecipherable music blaring from the open windows. 

"Travis, Pleasda-tha'mecha." He held out his hand and went to shake Sirius', but the Brit recoiled at the sight of his mangled, warped hand.

"Bloody hell." Sirius had almost shook it, but flinched hard enough to make the AC guy realize- 

"Hat dang, sourrybou' that. Gave'ya muh coonhand." He held out the other one which fared slightly better, yet Sirius would not take it. Gage took over and was seemingly comforted by the sight of his fellow mangled hick. What came out of Gage's mouth after that was completely indecipherable even to Chac, the other two watching in both distaste and intrigue as the two of them slung strange hillbilly speak at each other. It may as well have been a foreign language.

"...What's going on?" Sirius leaned over and whispered in Chac's ear, but the two of them seemed to pat each other on the back and Travis hobbled away to the back of his truck and opened it up, and slung a variety of strange tools across his back which included but were not limited to: A small boombox, a completely dead chicken, a long leather-bound rope with a noose and what looked like a pair of gloves with several fingers missing. 

"Ah tell ya this'n never fails'ta git em, never not once." Travis gave them a thumbs up, clicking his tongue at them a few times before hobbling on skinny legs up towards the mansion. 

"What's the radio for?" Chac asked, he had no idea why they had just started following him but the intrigue was too much and he strangely felt safe with the guy. Sirius begrudgingly followed, after he heard the excuse-

"Ah nah ya see gaters don't hate nuthin' more'n tha’ sound'a the devil's music. Ah play this shyeit'n they run WAHHLD!" Travis held up a beat-up CD that just had a "METALLICA" label on it, and Chac couldn't help but sigh at the obvious. 

"That explains a lot, actually." Chac complained, and with a great amount of stress the two of them crossed the threshold into the mansion, Travis immediately hollering-

"YOOO!" The sound of his voice echoed, nothing… “KITTYKITTYKITTYKITTY!" He screamed, a super high-pitched sound. The three of them glared before being shocked by the sound of the floorboards above creaking, a low-rattling noise putting fear right back into their hearts. 

"Shit, he sounds like'a big'un." Travis rapped his knuckles against Gage's chest and handed him the dead chicken at the end of the rope. "Why don'ta hang'on ta this one big boi, Imma need all my fackulties fer this'n." And like that Travis threw off his shirt and removed his shorts to only reveal a smaller, barely acceptable pair of jean shorts underneath, the white pockets popping out. His legs had a variety of bites and scars still visible.

"Holy shit." Sirius watched in terror. "You're going to get it out like that?!" 

"Ya gotta be quick like'a cougar. RREeeoowr." 

Chac found a sudden fondness for him, and like that Travis bolted up the stairs with the boombox, and selected the most ear-rattling song he could find. Travis had awoken the beast and the sound of alligator roaring echoed through the house-

"BRING'THA BAIT UP HERE, CUZ! BRING IT BRING IT!" Travis screamed, and Gage hesitantly ran up the stairs three at a time. He stood at the makeshift stairwell and tossed Travis the bait- what happened next was something only Gage could describe. The sound of metal blaring overhead joined a cacophony of banging, screaming, yipping, and a well-placed "HOLY SHYIET" from Gage. The two downstairs looked at each other in absolute shock.

"GO GO GO!" Gage yelled, he fell down the stairs with as much grace as he ran up it with, he grabbed both Sirius and Chac by the arms and forced them out, all the way to the dirt road. Behind them was a gator pushing 13 feet long, with the scrawny Travis riding on his back, holding the gator's upper jaw in a chokehold with his arms while he steered it down the stairs and out of the building. He had his bare legs wrapped around it, and once the gator had been wrangled to the street Travis only kept screaming one thing-

"GET IT! HIT IT WITH THE TRANK! HIT IT!"

"WHAT? WHAT?!” The three of them screamed in unison, Travis was riding the gator like a mechanical bull- 

"IN THE TRUCK! SHOOT IT! FIVE TIMES!" 

Gage doubled back into the truck but Chac pushed him away, a firm "NOT YOU" coming from Chac before he pulled out a massive homemade pipe gun with 6 syringes inside, and he hoped to hell he hit his target. Sirius was tugging at his hair while Chac made the first few shots, one of them landing on the dirt while the rest punctured the animal's tail. Seconds felt like minutes while the gator and its rider fought each other, the gator slowing down until he was limp as a decoration. Travis tied up his snout with the leather rope and patted the beast's head. 

"I say that went smoothly." He prided himself, blood streaking his knees and hands from scraping the stairs. His glasses were still in pristine condition, and he took the gun from a shellshocked Chac's hands. "Y'all are safe to head on in and lead yer lives. Nice place bah the way." 

"Wh..What do we owe you?" Chac asked, reaching for his wallet-

"I ain't takin no payments, this'ma Gawd-given talent." Travis placed a hand over his heart in a salute and left a bloody handprint on his chest. "S'there anythang I can do else fer you fine folks?"

“…Oh! Oh! did you see a cell phone up there?" 

"Musta' missed it. Why don't y'all call it n' find out?"

Sirius gave Chac's phone a ring, taking Chac with him to the front door of the mansion. There was no response, and Sirius wasn't about to head up the stairs alone. They called and called, but Travis' voice was heard behind them calling them over- "Y'all might wanna head back here."

"Why? Oh...ah shyeit." Chac copied his boyfriend, seeing Travis AND Gage with their ears to the gator's stomach, listening to the sound of muffled metal music inside. 

"Sorry, mate." Sirius rubbed his back, seeing how forlorn Chac looked. Travis made Gage help him yank the gator by the tail back towards the truck and onto a large sheet of wood, Travis hogtied the beast to the makeshift sleigh and started up his truck. 

"Well it was real nice meetin'yawl, Feel free'ta invite me over sometaahm." Travis bumped Gage's chest again. 

"Mmmmhm." Gage grinned, smitten with him for some reason. Travis drove off with the gator having a bumpy ride all the way out of eyesight. Gage leaned over and grabbed his lover's shoulders- "Can we invite him back up with us?"

"I was just about to say that." Chac reached up and grabbed Gage's elbows, both of them looking thrilled. Sirius only glared at them.

—

_Slightly shell-shocked, Sirius could only groan. “Fuckin’ great.” The tow truck driver ambled over to them, pulling off his gloves._

_“Got ‘er loaded. I’m towin’ it back to Ronnie’s over on Elm, can’t miss it. I’ll put a new battery in it for yeh. Yeh need a ride back?”_

_“Nah, cuz, we’ll be along. Gotta close up the house,” Gage said, and the driver nodded, returning to his truck and departing with a wave._

_“Let’s go,” Sirius grumbled. “I want to see if they’ve got a self-serve car wash around here.”_

_“Wouldn’t count on it, but maybe they can loan you a hose at the garage.” Gage was striding towards the house. Was he fucking insane??_

_“Mate, do we have to go back in?” Sirius gulped._

_“Of course. Wanna see if there’s anything valuable layin’ around I could sell off. The house is shee-yit, but maybe there’s some antiques.” Gage entered and looked around at the moldy living room. In the daylight they could see how bad it really was, holes in the ceiling and vines creeping in through the windows. They could hear mice (hopefully mice) scratching in the walls. Most of the furniture was too trashed to be of any use, but Gage went through the room anyway, prying up cushions, opening drawers and cupboards. With a sigh, Sirius and Chac went to help, looking for something, anything._

_Sirius wandered through the kitchen and wrinkled his nose at the moldy dishes and filthy counters he had been unable to see last night. The fridge was a huge, ancient one from the 40’s or 50’s, and it creaked as he opened it. There was nothing inside but a box of baking soda and a green fuzzy lump that might’ve been cheese. The stench drove him back out into the living room and down the hall. Double doors were at the end and he pushed them open slowly, hoping there wasn’t another gator inside._

_No, it was a library. Loose pages drifted underfoot and one window was completely open to the elements, a large puddle soaking the books and sofa which sat under it. A huge roll-top desk dominated the middle of the room, chairs laying broken around it. Fortunately the open window let in plenty of light and Sirius felt comforted. He poked at a few of the moldy books on the shelves. The first one he opened was just a cover full of dust. The second one was entirely in Latin and even though Vorstag might’ve been able to pick out a few words Sirius was clueless._

_“Yuck.” He snapped a few pictures to show his husband and went to the desk, opening the creaking top._

_Gods, what a mess. The inside was jammed with papers and notebooks, every pigeonhole stuffed with notes. An old fountain pen lay cemented in a puddle of hardened ink. Several photographs were strewn around, and as Sirius glanced at them he saw Gage’s features prominently displayed in every one. Damn, talk about looks running in the family!_

_He pulled a pile of papers out at random and shuffled through them. Old receipts, going back through the 80’s, the 70’s, the 60’s…. a yellowed newspaper clipping about the end of World War II…. notebooks full of what looked like household accounts in a fancy hand Sirius could barely read._

_Tossing the sheaf aside, he looked up at the paintings on the walls, which creepily enough were covered by sheets. Afraid of what he might find but too curious to help himself, Sirius pulled one sheet off._

_UGH. It was a family portrait of a finely-dressed Southern couple and six children, all Gage-faced but lily-white. Even the pug sitting on the mother’s lap looked vaguely like Gage. Gross. Sirius moved to the next one. A man in a Confederate uniform, holding a rifle. A plaque attached to the frame identified him as Ambrose Gage. The next painting was of an elderly woman, “Lillian Gage”. And so on and so forth._

_“Well maybe he can sell ‘em to a museum,” Sirius muttered. He pulled the sheet off the last one and SCREAMED._

_“SIRIUS?!” Chac’s voice called out, and he and Gage barreled into the room only to see Sirius had backed against the opposite wall, pointing at the last painting and shaking._

_“I-it’s HER!” he choked out, and the other two turned to look at the picture._

_The painting was of a woman and man holding hands and standing in a garden. The woman wore the exact wedding dress Chac had seen hanging upstairs, hoop skirts and all, golden ringlets spilling over her shoulders from under her bonnet. Her face was affixed in a very Gage-like grimace. It was definitely the ghost that had tormented Sirius the night before, and as they gazed at the painting it became clear why. The man holding her hands was tall and dark-haired, wearing an elegantly cut suit and glorious top hat. He had mutton-chop sideburns that joined into a mustache. Nothing unusual, except that he looked EXACTLY LIKE SIRIUS._

_“Wha- who- what - fuck-” Sirius could only say, white as a sheet. Gage dared to lean close to the painting and read its plaque aloud._

_“Miss Dixie Mae Louisa Gage and General Abram Tillinghast, on the occasion of their betrothal Spring 1862.”_

_“Tillinghast?” Chac repeated, aghast._

_“TILLINGHAST?!” Sirius screamed. Azura took mercy on him and he passed out._

—

Sirius fell like a long sack of potatoes onto a pile of books Gage had thrown from the shelves, a massive plume of dust rising around him as he fell with a thunk. Chac yelped and couldn't get to him in time, his hand reaching under Sirius' neck and lifting it off a particularly leathery book that jabbed him hard. 

"I really don't know what he's going to do when he wakes up." Chac threatened Gage, looking up at him and then at the picture of Dixie in distaste. "He doesn't know shit about his family history, we can only hope this is just some sick coincidence."

"Ahh, yeah, I'm having a hard time believin' this son of a bitch isn't related to him. They got that same Cher-lookin' bony head." Gage also did a double-take before begrudgingly going to help yank Sirius off the ground. Chac had his shoulders and Gage took his legs and they waddled him out towards the main room with the massive crucifix, laying him on the dusty old chaise-lounge. Chac found an antique oriental hand-fan and wafted Sirius' face with it. 

"Son of a bitch." Gage cursed to himself, pacing back and forth while avoiding eye contact with the suffering bronze Christ. "You think the ghost is pissed off cuz'a what his ancestor did to mine?" He narrowed his eyes at Sirius, who was drooling and slowly coming to. Gage went to sit right beside Sirius' head when he felt his legs wobble, being so recently boned by Chac making him quick to tire. 

"I already told you he wouldn't know anything about that." Chac tried to divert the issue, but Sirius woke up and immediately saw the giant Jesus, and inhaled a lungful of BO and mildew.

"FUUUUCK!" Sirius hollered, pulling himself up- He immediately remembered what happened, and he grabbed Chac's African collar. "Listen, we gotta find out if that's really my relative." Sirius spoke panicked, inching his butt away from Gage.

"You realize the reason Dixie Mae is hauntin' the shit outta us is cuz of what YOUR great great great grandfather mighta done?!"

"You can't accuse me of that! What did I have to do with it?!" Sirius yelled, his face pale as a lily.

"Knock it off, PG!" Chac tried to interject, but the stress was getting too much for the three of them and it culminated too quickly to stop.

"He was a real son of a bitch!" Gage argued-

"Yeah no shit, you try bein' married to that dog-faced bitch!" Sirius snarled, but was cut short when Gage's temper flared and he whacked the man hard across his face with an open hand. Sirius didn't even flinch before he returned fire, his wedding ring catching Gage's cheek good in an audible SLAP! 

"FUCK!" Gage returned the favor again, both of them scrambling across the lounge chair and slapping each other with both hands before Chac had to muscle his way between them, shoving them both so hard they landed on opposite sides of the couch, holding their faces.

"Bloody wanker!" Sirius spat.

"Dipshit! Y'almost knocked out my fuckin bridge!" 

"IT NEEDS TO COME OUT!" Sirius snarled, but with an expert amount of force, Chac had them both in his sights and slapped them both in the mouth simultaneously until they both fell silent.

—

_“Okay, calm down.” Chac said firmly. “Does it really matter what your great-great-great relatives did or didn’t do to each other?”_

_“YES,” both men replied._

_“NO,” Chac overruled them. “Come on, PG, let’s just look around a little more and see what we can find… Sirius, just… stay here. Lay down.”_

_“Fine,” Sirius grumbled, the other two moving away. As he listened to their footsteps overhead, he pulled out his phone and tried to google “Abram Tillinghast”, but there was no wi-fi this far out and his data connection was slow and laggy. He sat up. He really didn’t want to sit on the mildewy chaise anymore, so he stood up and returned to the library, turning his back on Abram and Dixie Mae. Instead he ruffled through the books, shouting, “CAN I TAKE SOME OF THESE BOOKS? VORSTAG MIGHT LIKE ‘EM!”_

_“KNOCK YERSELF OUT,” Gage bellowed back, then muttered, “Literally,” under his breath. Chac shot him a disapproving look but continued to riffle through a pile of old clothes._

_Most of the books were garbage, having been exposed to the elements for who knew how long. One or two legal-looking tomes were set aside for Vorstag. Another book full of antique-y type flower drawings he saved for Piper and Magnolia, they liked to cut that shit out and frame it. A black book full of Latin. Again for Vorstag._

_“Huh?” As Sirius pulled a book off the shelf, a slim leather diary fell to the floor. He picked it up and saw “Dixie Mae Louisa Gage” embossed on the front of the cover in gold leaf that was mostly peeled away. He looked guiltily over his shoulder at her picture, then snuck the diary into his book pile before carrying it out of the library. He didn’t want to read it under that Gage-like glare. Instead he sat back on the moldy chaise, picking out the diary and opening it. Dixie Mae’s handwriting was elegant and full of curlicues, unnecessarily fancy in Sirius’ opinion, and tiny. He had to hold the book practically up to his nose to read it, and as he looked at the date he realized this was a continuation of an older diary. The way Dixie Mae offered no explanation on people or places indicated it was things she’d already written about._

_“February 15 1862. My beloved Abram came to visit me again. I made sure the slaves kept away from my chambers as I entertained him. He is such a very handsome man with his ebony hair and dark eyes. Oh diary my little heart goes pitta-pat when I think of him and his big gentle hands.”_

_Gross. Mushy._

_“His big hands were so gentle when he unlaced my gown, caressing my bosoms and lowering his head to suckle on my pink buds like a newborn baby just-”_

_“BLEGH!” Sirius shrieked. He flipped forward a few pages._

_“When Abram came to visit he brought me the most beautiful of flowers, all pink and blooming. He kissed my hand so soft and his whiskers tickled…. when Mama left the room he gave me that naughty grin I love so much and asked me if I’d show him my delicate blossom, so of course I obliged, lifting up my skirts for him to bury his whiskered cheeks between my-”_

_“GGHHNBBHHH.” Sirius flipped pages rapidly. The entire diary was full of descriptions of the sexual adventures of Abram and Dixie Mae, smut couched in the flowery language of the past. Sirius grew weaker and weaker as phrases jumped out at him._

_“My delicate love lips”…. “Abram’s mighty staff”…. “…my beloved rose to the occasion four times last night and I declare I’ve never seen so much of a man’s love”……_

_“BBBBAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHHHH.”_

_“Sirius?” he heard Chac call faintly. “You okay?”_

_“F-FINE,” Sirius choked out, turning to the past page. A note fluttered out but he ignored it for the moment, looking down at the diary. This entry was written messily and looked as if Dixie Mae had written it in a great hurry, and in anger._

_“Diary, I will no longer write to you of Mr. General Abram Tillinghast, who is a cad, a liar, a cheat who polluted my body with his disgusting manhood! That man ran off on our wedding day with another woman, refusing to take part in the War of Northern Aggression, abandoning his vows to both myself and the South! He left me at the altar like a fool before all my family and friends. I have disgraced myself and allowed that debaucherer to take my innocence from me, all for nothing! And today I have learned from a very reputable source that the so-called “Mr.” Tillinghast is a damnable redskin. To think a person like that would be allowed to mingle with decent society-”_

_There was more angry, racist rambling, and the entry ended with, “I can no longer live with myself and am prepared to do as fair Juliet and end my life.” Aw, shit. Gage’s great-great-great auntie had probably killed herself over Sirius’ turd of a great-great-great grandfather. Shutting the diary in disgust, he leaned over and picked the loose note up off the floor and realized it was written in a different hand, less elaborate._

_“My dearest Dixie Mae, as I write this I am overcome with longing for your soft perfumed bosoms and your beautiful Venus lips spreading so eagerly for my bayonet. My darling, when I think of your feminine delicacies… well, the South rises again and again! I will not be long in Atlanta and when I return I will show you how much I missed you out behind the old carriage house. Be sure to wear your oldest petticoats under your hoopskirts so we will not ruin anything fine. Dixie Mae, I will pierce you with my love until you cry out for mercy-”_

_“GAH!” Sirius dropped the letter with a scream. “FUCKIN’ GRAMPA!”_

_“Are you SURE yer okay down there?” Gage hollered._

_“FUCKIN’ GRAMPA!” Sirius yelled again, louder this time, tears coursing down his cheeks. He couldn’t get the image of the ugly woman in the painting getting plowed by his ancestor out of his head._

—

The two of them had followed each other down to where Sirius paced, both sharing the same sort of irritable faces. "What the hell's going on, Sirius?" Chac asked, and when the Brit turned around he could see a fresh stream of tears going down his Cher-like cheeks. 

"I can't believe it!" Sirius griped. "How could we have stooped so low?!" 

"Oh my god, we oughta just put him out of his misery. Think we can salvage one of those tranq needles out in the front yard?" Gage crossed his arms and looked at the sniveling young man, but Chac had just about enough of this. 

"Come on, what's wrong now?"

Sirius snatched at the paper that had fallen, several of the lines now smudged with water damage- "THIS! This is what's wrong!" Before Chac could grab it Gage's big hand wrenched it from Sirius', holding it up to a sliver of light through the window and peering at the old General Tillinghast's writing with his good eye. Sirius glared all the while as he watched Gage's hazel eye move several lines in. The man merely made a deep snarling noise and threw the paper on the ground.

"You cryin' over this smut? Jesus H. Christ, that's some sick shit your ancestors were into!" 

"YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!" Sirius accused him, a trail of snot running down his face before he sniffled- "YOU read this and see who's the real sick bitch!" He lobbed the diary at Gage, once again clipping him in the nuts with a blasphemous book. 

"I ain't readin' this!" Gage yelled, Chac had to finally put them at peace before he was ready to scalp them both.

"NO! Both of you just shut up! I'm going to hogtie the shit outta both of you and force you into one sweater." Chac snarled, he was well and done with the obvious rivalry that has formed. He took the book from Gage before he could reach for it. "You're up shit creek right now, babe." 

Sirius grinned wickedly until Chac gave him a death glare as well, he was being forced out of this room and had only enough time to grab a small handful of the old tomes before running out to the front yard to place them by the doorway. He caught out of the corner of his eye, Chac slapping Gage hard in the tush enough so the man leapt in the air. He heard the tail end of an argument Chac was throwing down-"There's obviously nothing worth keeping here, we might as well just sell the property off to some realtor out of state so they don't know what the fuck they're getting into." 

"..." Gage looked forlornly up towards the house, seeing that Sirius was the only one who truly found something of value inside. Chac was already crabby about losing his phone and now that his lover and his best friend were now some kind of enemies that just sent him over the edge. "You both get your asses in the car. PG I will not hesitate to make you walk back, don't give me that look." 

"Shyiet." Gage just blurted out, putting his hands in his pockets and looking as glum as the portrait of Dixie Mae. They had a ton of other things to do and it was time they got to it, there was the Camino, the realtor, the carwash, and of course figuring out how to explain to their bosses what the hell'd caused them to miss work an extra day.

—

_Two days passed. Sirius had dropped Chac and Gage off at the garage, and paid $20 to use the garage’s hose and car cleaner to wash off the dirt on the outside of the Dodge. It wasn’t perfect, but his baby would be mud-free until he could get it home and give it a proper bath and wax. He’d hoped to leave that night, but it was getting dark by the time the Dodge was clean and the El Camino was ready to go. The three men spent the night at the motel again, the manager giving them a reaming-out over the salt scattered everywhere and the dirt and pebbles in the shower. Sirius ended up sleeping in the car with his teddy bear when he discovered Travis the animal-control officer was coming over to party._

_He couldn’t bear another breakfast at Piggie’s Diner; he was up at eight and after making sure Gage and Chac could get on without him (Chac mumbled something about visiting his mother), Sirius got on the highway and headed home, stopping only for McDonald’s. As eager to be home as he was, he pushed on as fast as he could go, too wired and too eager to see his husband that he turned a 15 1/2-hour trip into a 13-hour trip, dragging his ass in the apartment door just around nine-thirty._

_“SIRIUS!” Vorstag jumped to greet him as he trudged inside, having been waiting eagerly after hearing the loud Dodge pull into their parking lot. “Oh my love, you look so tired. Come here.”_

_Gratefully, Sirius collapsed into his husband’s arms and was covered in kisses. “Oh babe, I missed you,” he murmured against the front of Vorstag’s sweatshirt. “How was jury selection?”_

_“I missed you, too.” Vorstag smoothed Sirius’ long hair back. “The usual nonsense but I have a fair, impartial panel to work with. Here, I’ll get you something to eat.”_

_“Can I eat in bed?” Sirius asked, and was immediately granted permission. He trudged to the bathroom and took a nice hot shower before pulling on sweatpants and a t-shirt and collapsing into bed. Vorstag brought him soup and a light sandwich, climbing in beside him and gazing lovingly at him as he ate. When Sirius was finished they snuggled up._

_“What happened down there?” Vorstag asked curiously._

_“Oh gods…. you don’t wanna know.” But the whole story spilled out, the ghosts and the alligator and the mildewy house and Trump supporters and old-timey smut, how his great-great-great-grandfather had slept with Gage’s great-great-great-auntie who killed herself after he left her at the altar. Vorstag hugged him tight and made soothing noises throughout it all, feeling awful for his beloved and for Chac and Gage, who had no doubt suffered as well._

_“What will Gage do with the house?” he asked, trying to keep Sirius’ mind off Dixie-Mae._

_“Dunno. Chac said something about dumping it on an out-of-state realtor who doesn’t know the house’s history. Apparently everyone in Lula does, they all acted suspicious and edgy when it was mentioned.”_

_“Too bad.” Vorstag sighed. “A plantation house…”_

_“Babe, we already have our 50’s house to fix up. And I’m not living with a ghost who thinks I’m her dead lover reincarnated.”_

_“Oh I’d take care of her,” Vorstag said, firmly. “But I was kidding.” He watched Sirius’ eyelids droop. “Go to sleep, hon. I’m here.”_

_“Missed you,” Sirius mumbled before he started to snore. Vorstag, smiling, tucked the teddy bear in beside his husband before falling asleep as well._

—

Innumerable stacks of twenties lay on Gage's kitchen table, the elder man putting them down one by one while Chac took tallies standing nearby. A look of sheer excitement was on Chac's features but Gage looked worse for wear, the ride up had been tough on the aging Georgian but the entire ordeal of selling the estate had been just as stressful. 

"It's done. I hope that's all of it, my headache's kickin' in." This wasn't the most money he's seen laid out on a table, but it was the most for him. 

"Fuck yeah, it's all here. I counted. Babe, this is more money than I thought it'd go for." 

"Pft, yeah, considerin' the whole unresolved issues we glossed over at the sale." Gage rested his head in his hands, feeling suddenly more bleak. "This is way too much money to be sittin' out on my table." He sighed, feeling stressed at the amount of inheritance he'd come into. 

"You shoulda kept the last Excedrin for yourself. You want me to run out and go grab some?" 

"Shyeit, no… no just stay here. I'm hungover is all." Gage reminisced about an insane party he threw with Chac and Travis at the hotel room, he can't remember the last time he'd taken a drink of moonshine but it sure as hell makes you feel your age. "I have no idea what I'm gunna do with all this cash."

"Well we agreed it isn't going in a bank, why don't you set aside some right now and pay off the damages to your car?" Chac went behind Gage and rubbed his shoulders, feeling how tense he is from so much driving. 

"You think I should replace my gold bridges with porcelains?" 

"No." Was quick and firm from Chac. "Just sit on it, you don't have any health insurance so you might as well keep it for an emergency." 

"Mmmerhg." Gage stared at the expanse of stacked 20's and 100's and glowered over them. He closed his eyes and leaned back into Chac's stomach and rested there. He wasn't used to this kind of good fortune and he had to step away from it, at least for a little bit. 

"Let's just hide it for now. I'm ready to sleep for a few days." Gage pulled away and started the process of hoarding all the cash into a duffel bag, Chac giving him space and going to pull Lulabelle off of his perch to snuggle him. 

"Who's cute? Who's a cutie?" Chac babied the lizard, going to carry him into the cramped bedroom, laying back on the bed and strangely enjoying the discomfort of the cheap mattress. Lulabelle went flat as a pancake on his chest while Chac idly pulled at the fringes between his eyes, the iguana made completely docile on a massive meal of crickets and salad. A while went by where the two had gone about their own business, Chac dozing off while listening to the clanking and shuffling of Gage in the next rooms. 

A buzz woke him just as he blinked out of consciousness; it was his phone and Sirius had texted him. "Just got home, I'm planning on sleeping for the next 44 years, let's not talk about what happened for at least a few weeks. Agreed?"

"You saved our lives man, I'm very thankful for that, and you know I'm fixing any damages that came to your car. And yeah, let us no longer speak of this madness. Enjoy your next 44 years." 

Chac thought about it for a few minutes, looking out the window in the grayness of the sky. He saw shapes in the clouds and was filled with an idea- he texted a cryptic message to Sirius not 2 minutes after his first one. "You have Mom's number in case you need it."

Sirius might have already been asleep, getting to work on that impressive number. Chac was woken from his foreboding thoughts by a fat pink tongue blepping against his nose, and then the approach of his boyfriend shuffling wearily into the room. Everything about Gage looked weary, even his frohawk was drooping. 

"My two babies." He groaned, dragging his ass into bed and wriggling himself up right at Chac's side. "It's put away. I can't think about it anymore right now." 

"You don't have to." Lulabelle turned to see his dad and crawled off Chac's chest, moving to cram himself right between them with his dumb face a barrier between the two men.

"He made the sandwich again." Chac laughs, his eyes bloodshot.

"I ain't even mad." Gage reached over and tried to close the distance by putting his arm around Chac, the two turning towards each other and doing their best not to squash the warmth-seeking reptile between them. "Hope you ain't planning on going anywhere for a few days?"

Chac had an idea why, but he had to ask. "Why's that?"

"...Dixie." 

"Of course I'm not going anywhere." Chac leaned in and kissed his forehead, expending the last of his energy. It was still relatively light outside but they were ready to sleep forever. 

"Oh man, that's.." Gage trailed off, half of his face crammed into his pillow and his eye closing. He never finished his statement but Chac was happy the man finally got closure, so happy in fact he ripped ass loud enough to momentarily wake up the man and the beast at the same time. Shit, he's gunna have to go on a diet after all the garbage he'd eaten on the trip down. They fell asleep with all of their clothes on, just in case a certain angry someone decided to hitch a ride all the way north so they could make a quick exit.

**Author's Note:**

> You know you absolutely want to see Nude's drawing of our suffering boys... 
> 
> https://chac-ozai.tumblr.com/post/184554504541/did-you-see-it-chac-yelled-as-he-climbed-out


End file.
